my postings will continue over at WordPress, here is the link:
http://sleepwalkingmonkey.wordpress.com/
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Unexpected Awesome Day...
I made plans today to have lunch with a new friend and was a little anxious about it. My social anxiety and the thought of meeting new people can sometimes freak me out. I decided that I would change my usual routine and head down to Jumpin' Java and have coffee and get some work done early.
This was a great idea. The sun was out. It was warm with a slight breeze. Sitting at the coffee shop I managed to get a lot of work completed before Matt showed up.
We decided on having sushi on Castro Street at Osaka. The conversation flowed smoothly and can't help but mention that Matt is a cutie to be hanging out with. I actually kept getting lost in his big brown eyes. :) Only later did I learn that he was just as nervous as I was about meeting and hanging out. I don't ever think that I come off as someone that makes others nervous, but I guess I do. :(
Meeting a new person that makes me feel that comfortable and easy is rare. Matt is definitely a friend that I plan on getting to know better and am thankful for meeting.
After coming home, Shando and I decided to take a walk and get some coffee. We ended up walking from Church/Market to Castro to Dolores Park. It was just one of those days when you can't help but want to walk everywhere.
Overall...today was a GREAT day. Great day!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Caught Sleepwalking...
It is difficult to know where to start. My mood and emotions have been all over the place for the last few weeks. I know that something has got to change, and it has got to change SOON!
It seems that either I am too blind by my emotions to see the answers or that I am still being manipulated by individuals in my life. I have had more patience and understanding while the healing process is happening. How long does one person accept the healing processes even when their emotions, feelings, and love are being trashed?
This is the second weekend that I have found out about a lie that has lead to my part in this relationship being put aside while he satisfies his "needs" to feel "wanted". I admitted that we needed to be open, but first we needed to repair the loss of connection that we were having before we could develop healthy relationships outside of us. We are far from being there, and I would even venture to say that the being "in love" has been lost. I fear and question if that can be regained. I am not sure that at this point I even want to devote more energy to it.
I never make a decision immediately when trouble arises. I give myself at least 48 hours to review my options and my feelings. It gives me the chance to talk things through within myself and with my trusted friends. At this moment, this is what I am thinking about:
1. Ask Shando to move out and I stay here in the apartment. It would allow me to keep the dogs and keep some sense of "home" that I have created here.
2. Find a smaller apartment, a place to call home base. It would be a place to keep my basic of essentials that give me a sense of home. The cheaper rent would allow me the opportunity to travel and visit friends and places I have always wanted to see. (This also is possible due to my new job and being able to do it while on the road.)
3. Shando and I go into intense couple therapy. We set a goal of where we would like to be and if we don't feel that we have reached that, we then revert back to either plan 1 or 2.
I also recently came to another realization. I miss having summers. I miss having the continuous days of heat where you spend the evening outside to stay cool. This is a way that I remember socializing, sitting out on the porch talking and drinking soda until late at night. You don't get that there in San Francisco. The sun comes out and it warms from about 11am to 3pm, then the wind and fog start to roll in. Next thing you know, you are grabbing the sweatshirts and finding the space heaters to keep warm. I miss real summers.
It was Pride over the last weekend. I would say happy Pride, but for me, it sucked! Pride for me has lost it's meaning. I instead choose to have Pride the rest of the year and to celebrate who I am.
I need to take the positive lessons from all of this and realize that it will make me a stronger and wiser in my life experiences.
Lastly, 99% of the men in San Francisco are pigs who care about nothing but their own cocks and who they can get their rocks off with. There is no attempt with emotional/spiritual connection...with that, I have no interest in! It is full of empty connections that lead to nothing but wasted actions.
It seems that either I am too blind by my emotions to see the answers or that I am still being manipulated by individuals in my life. I have had more patience and understanding while the healing process is happening. How long does one person accept the healing processes even when their emotions, feelings, and love are being trashed?
This is the second weekend that I have found out about a lie that has lead to my part in this relationship being put aside while he satisfies his "needs" to feel "wanted". I admitted that we needed to be open, but first we needed to repair the loss of connection that we were having before we could develop healthy relationships outside of us. We are far from being there, and I would even venture to say that the being "in love" has been lost. I fear and question if that can be regained. I am not sure that at this point I even want to devote more energy to it.
I never make a decision immediately when trouble arises. I give myself at least 48 hours to review my options and my feelings. It gives me the chance to talk things through within myself and with my trusted friends. At this moment, this is what I am thinking about:
1. Ask Shando to move out and I stay here in the apartment. It would allow me to keep the dogs and keep some sense of "home" that I have created here.
2. Find a smaller apartment, a place to call home base. It would be a place to keep my basic of essentials that give me a sense of home. The cheaper rent would allow me the opportunity to travel and visit friends and places I have always wanted to see. (This also is possible due to my new job and being able to do it while on the road.)
3. Shando and I go into intense couple therapy. We set a goal of where we would like to be and if we don't feel that we have reached that, we then revert back to either plan 1 or 2.
I also recently came to another realization. I miss having summers. I miss having the continuous days of heat where you spend the evening outside to stay cool. This is a way that I remember socializing, sitting out on the porch talking and drinking soda until late at night. You don't get that there in San Francisco. The sun comes out and it warms from about 11am to 3pm, then the wind and fog start to roll in. Next thing you know, you are grabbing the sweatshirts and finding the space heaters to keep warm. I miss real summers.
It was Pride over the last weekend. I would say happy Pride, but for me, it sucked! Pride for me has lost it's meaning. I instead choose to have Pride the rest of the year and to celebrate who I am.
I need to take the positive lessons from all of this and realize that it will make me a stronger and wiser in my life experiences.
Lastly, 99% of the men in San Francisco are pigs who care about nothing but their own cocks and who they can get their rocks off with. There is no attempt with emotional/spiritual connection...with that, I have no interest in! It is full of empty connections that lead to nothing but wasted actions.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Hypochondriac That I Am...
This is the story of my life. I go through years without any serious health issues. Then like today, something small turns into something BiG in my mind.
I was in the gym today and while doing lat pulldowns my abs were unusually sore. I simply ran my hand down my stomach and there is was...a lump! Just above my navel. Oh Jeebuz! Did I finally do it? Did I finally cause myself to get a hernia? I immediately call the doctor and then Shando. The earliest I can get in to see the doctor is 4pm. Great, now I get to spend the whole day feeling and contemplating what I have. OMG! What if it is a hernia? That will mean surgery! And how long will I be out? I can't have that now. (not to mention that I don't have any insurance).
Well, after a day of grumpiness, snapping at Shando several times for no reason, and worrying myself to sickness, the doctor takes a feel.
"You just recently lost a lot of weight huh?"
"yeah, so what does that mean? OMG! What did I do to myself" -me
"Nothing. Do you have a history of lymphomas?"
"yes, O!M!G!...is this all this is?"-me
"yep, since you are losing all the fat on your belly, there is nothing to cushion the little buggers. So you'll feel them more and they might be tender. But that is about it." -doctor
"great! thanks"-me
As soon as he said this, I knew what it was from the beginning. It is exactly what I told myself when I first felt it. But then that devil, the internet, I was all over it checking out symptoms and I knew it was a hernia.
Lesson learned. If it doesn't hurt or I am in any pain, give it 24 hours then check it again.
Second lesson for the day. After witnessing that horrible accident, be grateful for life and good health. Each year, month, day, hour, minute, and second.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Diet...
I get a lot of questions on how have I managed to lose so much weight. I decided to address it here and lay it out for all to read.
First, this didn't happen on a few weeks or even months. It has been a two+ year journey. A journey that I have experimented with different tactics and found what works for me. This means that you should take the information and adjust them to your needs. We all process calories differently and have different needs.
I exercise 4-6 days per week. No exceptions unless I am ill or come to a point where I need a mental break. (That happens about once ever three months).
Daily diet:
Morning:
1 cup non-fat cottage cheese.
1 Tbs. raw honey.
1/4 cup special nuts. (these are pecans/almond/peanuts that are mixed with honey, raw sugar, cinnamon, and a little water. I pre make a batch once a week)
Mid morning: (this is if I am feeling hungry)
1/4 c. rice
1 soft boiled egg
Lunch:
Fish (This is either two poached tilapia, catfish, or whitefish)
1/2 c. rice
1/2c. wakame seaweed salad
1/2 c. vegetables
Mid Afternoon snack:
Fish
-ahi tuna in miso, rice vinegar, soy, raw sugar.
(I make a variation of ahi tuna poi about every three days and put it in a sealable container)
1c. seaweed salad.
**this is my snack whenever I feel like I need something to munch on**
Dinner:
Same as lunch.
Bedtime:
1c. non fat milk
1/2 c non fat yogurt with 1tsp honey
I also make a miso glaze that goes on everything that I want to give taste to.
Miso/Rice vinegar/sesame oil/salt/raw sugar.
I make about 8oz. and store it in the fridge.
That is it. I eat the same thing every day. It sounds boring, but I have learned to eat for nutrition and not to fill an emotional need.
I rarely break from this diet. When I have, the foods I ate made me physically ill. My whole body ached and I had trouble sleeping and was moody.
So there it is. If you have any questions, I would be happy to share.
First, this didn't happen on a few weeks or even months. It has been a two+ year journey. A journey that I have experimented with different tactics and found what works for me. This means that you should take the information and adjust them to your needs. We all process calories differently and have different needs.
I exercise 4-6 days per week. No exceptions unless I am ill or come to a point where I need a mental break. (That happens about once ever three months).
Daily diet:
Morning:
1 cup non-fat cottage cheese.
1 Tbs. raw honey.
1/4 cup special nuts. (these are pecans/almond/peanuts that are mixed with honey, raw sugar, cinnamon, and a little water. I pre make a batch once a week)
Mid morning: (this is if I am feeling hungry)
1/4 c. rice
1 soft boiled egg
Lunch:
Fish (This is either two poached tilapia, catfish, or whitefish)
1/2 c. rice
1/2c. wakame seaweed salad
1/2 c. vegetables
Mid Afternoon snack:
Fish
-ahi tuna in miso, rice vinegar, soy, raw sugar.
(I make a variation of ahi tuna poi about every three days and put it in a sealable container)
1c. seaweed salad.
**this is my snack whenever I feel like I need something to munch on**
Dinner:
Same as lunch.
Bedtime:
1c. non fat milk
1/2 c non fat yogurt with 1tsp honey
I also make a miso glaze that goes on everything that I want to give taste to.
Miso/Rice vinegar/sesame oil/salt/raw sugar.
I make about 8oz. and store it in the fridge.
That is it. I eat the same thing every day. It sounds boring, but I have learned to eat for nutrition and not to fill an emotional need.
I rarely break from this diet. When I have, the foods I ate made me physically ill. My whole body ached and I had trouble sleeping and was moody.
So there it is. If you have any questions, I would be happy to share.
Ch..Ch..Changes!
First I want to thank whatever the power it was that enabled me to NOT pick up a bottle over the weekend and completely numb the emotional roller coaster that I was on.
If there is one thing I am good at it is reading a persons body language. If you are hiding something from me, I WILL know. I may not be able to know exactly what it is, but I will have suspicions and be a little more in tune that something is going on.
If you lie to me and when I find out, depending on the severity, it is over. No second chances! Hurt me once....you will not hurt me again! I know when to protect myself and my emotions.
I confronted a friend about just such an issue over the weekend. I understand that it sucks to be caught in a lie. But don't use your defense mechanisms to point out every little flaw that you think I have. I know my flaws, I know what I need to work on. I DON'T NEED you telling me what they are. For everyone that would be the final nail in the coffin and our relationship would be six feet under.
Along with the lying issue I was also challenged on my ability to 'seem' like I never have a desire to pick up a bottle. In the beginning of my sobriety I knew what my challenges and stressors were going to be and prepared myself for them. But the last week, I was thrown triggers that I couldn't prepare for. And for "you" not to see them and then to dismiss them was the ultimate slap in the face.
Triggers:
1. Working two hard years in school, 3.8GPA, Dean's List, Honor classes, and I get denied from each school I wanted to get into.
2. Waiting daily for the call that my grandmother has passed away, she is in the hospital with kidney failure after breaking her ankle and possible stroke.
3. The thought/anxiety of going back to Oklahoma and seeing my family. This is NOT something that I even remotely look forward to.
Those are all the triggers that I need to think about picking up a bottle and numbing the feelings. Why I haven't? I am not sure. Something within me is stronger than the negative feelings that are are there.
Lastly, I had mentioned that my therapist hit on something that resonated within me in regards to why I felt sad and depressed about myself. I was missing the adventure that I saw myself doing and dreaming about when I was a child. With that said, I am planning on making this my goal over the next few months. I am going to hold back on the details right now, but with the graces of an amazing job and the positive outcome from not getting into UC and waiting until next year to re-apply, I may have the means to fulfill these dreams.
If there is one thing I am good at it is reading a persons body language. If you are hiding something from me, I WILL know. I may not be able to know exactly what it is, but I will have suspicions and be a little more in tune that something is going on.
If you lie to me and when I find out, depending on the severity, it is over. No second chances! Hurt me once....you will not hurt me again! I know when to protect myself and my emotions.
I confronted a friend about just such an issue over the weekend. I understand that it sucks to be caught in a lie. But don't use your defense mechanisms to point out every little flaw that you think I have. I know my flaws, I know what I need to work on. I DON'T NEED you telling me what they are. For everyone that would be the final nail in the coffin and our relationship would be six feet under.
Along with the lying issue I was also challenged on my ability to 'seem' like I never have a desire to pick up a bottle. In the beginning of my sobriety I knew what my challenges and stressors were going to be and prepared myself for them. But the last week, I was thrown triggers that I couldn't prepare for. And for "you" not to see them and then to dismiss them was the ultimate slap in the face.
Triggers:
1. Working two hard years in school, 3.8GPA, Dean's List, Honor classes, and I get denied from each school I wanted to get into.
2. Waiting daily for the call that my grandmother has passed away, she is in the hospital with kidney failure after breaking her ankle and possible stroke.
3. The thought/anxiety of going back to Oklahoma and seeing my family. This is NOT something that I even remotely look forward to.
Those are all the triggers that I need to think about picking up a bottle and numbing the feelings. Why I haven't? I am not sure. Something within me is stronger than the negative feelings that are are there.
Lastly, I had mentioned that my therapist hit on something that resonated within me in regards to why I felt sad and depressed about myself. I was missing the adventure that I saw myself doing and dreaming about when I was a child. With that said, I am planning on making this my goal over the next few months. I am going to hold back on the details right now, but with the graces of an amazing job and the positive outcome from not getting into UC and waiting until next year to re-apply, I may have the means to fulfill these dreams.
Friday, June 17, 2011
What a Week!
Roller coasters are fun. But emotional roller coasters are not. This is just a quick update on what has been going on in my life.
Things are going well with Shando and I. Work is going great. Bad news about my grandmother. Loss of motivation at times. Happy-Sad-Happy-Numb-OK...It can change in two seconds.
I'll post more later, I haven't been in the mood to write lately. I hope that changes soon.
Things are going well with Shando and I. Work is going great. Bad news about my grandmother. Loss of motivation at times. Happy-Sad-Happy-Numb-OK...It can change in two seconds.
I'll post more later, I haven't been in the mood to write lately. I hope that changes soon.
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