Caught Sleepwalking...

It is difficult to know where to start. My mood and emotions have been all over the place for the last few weeks. I know that something has got to change, and it has got to change SOON!

It seems that either I am too blind by my emotions to see the answers or that I am still being manipulated by individuals in my life. I have had more patience and understanding while the healing process is happening. How long does one person accept the healing processes even when their emotions, feelings, and love are being trashed?

This is the second weekend that I have found out about a lie that has lead to my part in this relationship being put aside while he satisfies his "needs" to feel "wanted". I admitted that we needed to be open, but first we needed to repair the loss of connection that we were having before we could develop healthy relationships outside of us. We are far from being there, and I would even venture to say that the being "in love" has been lost. I fear and question if that can be regained. I am not sure that at this point I even want to devote more energy to it.

I never make a decision immediately when trouble arises. I give myself at least 48 hours to review my options and my feelings. It gives me the chance to talk things through within myself and with my trusted friends. At this moment, this is what I am thinking about:

1. Ask Shando to move out and I stay here in the apartment. It would allow me to keep the dogs and keep some sense of "home" that I have created here.
2. Find a smaller apartment, a place to call home base. It would be a place to keep my basic of essentials that give me a sense of home. The cheaper rent would allow me the opportunity to travel and visit friends and places I have always wanted to see. (This also is possible due to my new job and being able to do it while on the road.)
3. Shando and I go into intense couple therapy. We set a goal of where we would like to be and if we don't feel that we have reached that, we then revert back to either plan 1 or 2.

I also recently came to another realization. I miss having summers. I miss having the continuous days of heat where you spend the evening outside to stay cool. This is a way that I remember socializing, sitting out on the porch talking and drinking soda until late at night. You don't get that there in San Francisco. The sun comes out and it warms from about 11am to 3pm, then the wind and fog start to roll in. Next thing you know, you are grabbing the sweatshirts and finding the space heaters to keep warm. I miss real summers.

It was Pride over the last weekend. I would say happy Pride, but for me, it sucked! Pride for me has lost it's meaning. I instead choose to have Pride the rest of the year and to celebrate who I am.

I need to take the positive lessons from all of this and realize that it will make me a stronger and wiser in my life experiences.

Lastly, 99% of the men in San Francisco are pigs who care about nothing but their own cocks and who they can get their rocks off with. There is no attempt with emotional/spiritual connection...with that, I have no interest in! It is full of empty connections that lead to nothing but wasted actions.