Ch..Ch..Changes!

First I want to thank whatever the power it was that enabled me to NOT pick up a bottle over the weekend and completely numb the emotional roller coaster that I was on.

If there is one thing I am good at it is reading a persons body language. If you are hiding something from me, I WILL know. I may not be able to know exactly what it is, but I will have suspicions and be a little more in tune that something is going on.

If you lie to me and when I find out, depending on the severity, it is over. No second chances! Hurt me once....you will not hurt me again! I know when to protect myself and my emotions.

I confronted a friend about just such an issue over the weekend. I understand that it sucks to be caught in a lie. But don't use your defense mechanisms to point out every little flaw that you think I have. I know my flaws, I know what I need to work on. I DON'T NEED  you telling me what they are. For everyone that would be the final nail in the coffin and our relationship would be six feet under.

Along with the lying issue I was also challenged on my ability to 'seem' like I never have a desire to pick up a bottle. In the beginning of my sobriety I knew what my challenges and stressors were going to be and prepared myself for them. But the last week, I was thrown triggers that I couldn't prepare for. And for "you" not to see them and then to dismiss them was the ultimate slap in the face.

Triggers:
1. Working two hard years in school, 3.8GPA, Dean's List, Honor classes, and I get denied from each school I wanted to get into.
2. Waiting daily for the call that my grandmother has passed away, she is in the hospital with kidney failure after breaking her ankle and possible stroke.
3. The thought/anxiety of going back to Oklahoma and seeing my family. This is NOT something that I even remotely look forward to.

Those are all the triggers that I need to think about picking up a bottle and numbing the feelings. Why I haven't? I am not sure. Something within me is stronger than the negative feelings that are are there.

Lastly, I had mentioned that my therapist hit on something that resonated within me in regards to why I felt sad and depressed about myself. I was missing the adventure that I saw myself doing and dreaming about when I was a child. With that said, I am planning on making this my goal over the next few months. I am going to hold back on the details right now, but with the graces of an amazing job and the positive outcome from not getting into UC and waiting until next year to re-apply, I may have the means to fulfill these dreams.