High School Revisited! The Nightmare that Returned.

Public school for me was a constant nightmare. There are few people I have ever admitted this to, but I hated every minute of it from 7th grade until graduation.

I continually felt out of place. I was the outcast that didn't fit into any of the groups. This was mostly due to the religion I was raised within. Being a JW means that as a student in a public school you are always the weirdo. You don't celebrate any of the holidays and have to always explain why...for EVERY holiday...EVERY year! You don't recite the pledge of allegiance and have to explain that. You aren't allowed to date anyone not a fellow JW. There are no dances, no sports, no extra activities...NOTHING!

This leads to a ton of internal issues for any kid of a JW attending public school. For myself, I was constantly picked on. I had a group of "popular" friends, but I was still picked on. I was bullied. Called every name you can think of. Physically assaulted on numerous occasions. This lead to me trying even harder to fit in. Or did I just want to blend in so I wouldn't be picked out so easily? Even to the point of making up stories to boost my "interest" factor. Which in turn led me to even more depression and self esteem issues.

Why do I tell this story now? Because this morning at the gym, I was propelled right back to those feelings I had in high school. A situation arose by a guy I never met or had seen at the gym before. But his look, his mannerisms, his personality was the spitting image of one of the guys that used to bully me in school. He turned my letters on my lock so it spelled out "loser". He didn't know that I watched while he did it. I let him finish, then walked up and asked why he would do that? He turned around, called me several names and then said, "you're a fucking loser!" Since being an adult I have alway sheen able to take care of myself and defend myself against anyones attacks. But this time, I couldn't say anything. I froze. I felt all the fears, the pain, the anxiety of my teenage horrors come rushing in. I did manage to call him a dick. I told him to fuck off. But it wasn't my usual sharp tongued self. And all the while, holding back the tears I felt coming on. Here is this person whom I have never had any interaction with, and he had completely broke me down! It was the feelings I had in school, 100% there in my face. And I was powerless to deal with it.

I left and called a friend right away. He told me, "some people are just sick, and we have no control over that". And I completely agree. But just the timing and coming out of no of the no where really disturbed me. Relaying the situation and trying to get someone to understand how I felt is next to impossible. Unless you stepped into my body and relived the memories, you wouldn't know the feelings I was experiencing.

What did I learn from the situation? I learned that I still have deep hidden issues regarding my childhood and teenage periods. I have resentment about how I was raised and what I was taught to believe about the world. It is why 16 years ago I ran as far away as possible from all that. But now it is time to turn around and deal with it and them(my parents) directly. It is the only way I will have peace with it and be able to move on and learn from it. I am the person I am today because of it. Learning from the mistakes and using that to help others who may have had similar experiences is how I will use it in a positive way.

Good News and Truly Understanding Professors...

Many of my friends know what I have been through over the last semester. It created difficulty when it came to my school work and keeping up. I decided to ask my professors for a grade of incomplete for each course. 

If it is granted it will allow me the time to get the work completed and not risk failing the class and having to retake it. As of tonight, one professor agreed to it. 

You Saw Correctly...

...that was me at the AA meeting last night. I went to support my best friend and partner as he completed his 30th day sober.
Since I chose to become sober on January 24th, 2009 I have done it without any outside help. This was something I needed to do on my own, for myself. I understand the function of AA and it's amazing support for helping many individuals to remain sober. But for myself becoming sober was something that I needed to do my way. I became clean and walked away from my drug addiction in June of 2001. (Wow, that just reminded me that my 10 year mark is coming up!) I did it with inner power, strength, and just overall will power. I found the reasons inside myself why I could no longer use. I became aware that if I continued, I would die.

But, to fill the addiction part of my personality, I turned to alcohol.
It started simply enough. One or two beers in the evenings to take the edge off. Then that went to a six pack each night, to a 12 pack, to a 12 pack and small bottle of Jager, to a 12 pack and as much Jager as it took to black out. Almost every night for the next two years. This is while I was living in the south of San Jose, so there isn't a lot to do except drink.

In 2004, I moved to Sacramento. Sacramento was just a blur. I don't remember a whole lot from my time there. It was pure chaos and I completely lost who I was.

In late 2004, I moved back to SF. The drinking continued to get worse. It elevated from just evenings to early afternoons to late mornings to mornings. I always said it was 5 o'clock somewhere in the world.
Several jobs, several relationships, several living situations and I reached my all time low in 2008. I checked into CDRP and went 30 days sober. But it didn't last. There were several reasons, but ultimately it was not my time yet. I hadn't accepted the problems I had and without that, there wasn't any way I was going to put down the bottle.

January 23, 2009, that evening starts as any other. Shando and I start with the excuse, just going out for a couple of drinks. After taking over 3 hours to walk Shando home from Castro/18th to Harrison/25th, we passed out. I wasn't even prepared for what came the next day. But Shando looked over and said, I have had enough, I need to stop.

It took me by surprise. I was so excited. I admit it, I walked away and didn't think twice about it. Just like that, I was done.
I don't remember the withdraw. I don't remember any cravings. I just knew I was rid of a part of my life that had controlled my actions for too many years.

Did I think about going to AA? Yes, of course. Did I? No. I found my 'higher' power on my own. I knew why I couldn't drink again. I was tired of being stuck in life. But mostly, I knew I was on the edge of crossing over and checking out of life all together....so that is how I have dealt with my sobriety the past two years.

So why am I thinking about AA now? Am I afraid of slipping? NO! I KNOW that if I relapse I will not come out alive. I know what my mind feels like when I am intoxicated. It hurts, it feels bloated, it like it is dying. (and in reality it is). So again, why AA now?

I have my spirituality, even though I keep refining it and defining what I think it means to me. I am not looking to AA for that. I think what I need is to surround myself with others who know what I have felt like. Who knows what I mean when I say, "I hate the way I felt stupid after drinking". But mostly, I have become this introvert and add to it by my excuse that I need that to focus on school/work/myself. But I realize after last night, I need AA to pull me out of that shell. It is OK that I am an introvert. It is good to hear the shares. It is good to see the faces of addiction. It is good to see those that are like me.
I am still extremely prideful that I was able to stop drinking with my own shear will and want. But now it is time to put down that pride and be humble.

Part of my spirituality and self improvement is working on my compassion towards others. "Generating compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them". This is what I am returning to AA for. I am releasing all my haughtiness, conceit, pride, and arrogant attitudes. This is the next step in my spiritual journey. I can do this by sharing my story and for being there if someone needs a helping hand. And finally, I return to protect my life. Surround myself with the strength that can come from belonging to a group who are all trying to achieve the same outcome.

It has Been a Long Time!

I woke up this morning and took a look outside my window. It looked a little overcast, but there were rays of sunlight peaking through. I gathered my things, showered, drank my morning shake, and headed to the gym.
Lately on my walks to MUNI I have started to feel anxious and angry. I dreaded seeing people and having to deal with strangers on the trains. But today was different. I got to the station and jumped on the next train. I managed to actually get a seat. I started reading a new book and enjoyed the ride. As I got off at my station I noticed that I still wasn't feeling the anxiety that usually comes over me. What was happening? I haven't felt like this in a while. I was actually content with how the day was progressing.

I got to the gym, started to dress and realized "fuck! I forgot my workout t-shirt!". I was about to head home, but then I decided I would just workout in my tank top and deal with my normal self image issues. Well, during the workout, I got a lot of compliments and I actually took a moment to look in the mirror. Damn! Where the hell did those shoulders come from? And those arms? I have pretty much transformed my physical appearance to what I dreamed about a couple of years back. I was in a bit of shock...but it was a happy shock. That is enough vanity...but I wanted to write this to remind myself of this day.

I took my time getting home. I took the time to be in the moments and enjoy the sunshine. Admire the handsome young men and women that work in the Financial District. I used the time to get my thoughts together for the projects I had to do when I got home. And overall, I was appreciating the day and the new opportunity I had been given. I am excited to assist a friend with getting a project off the ground and doing tons of research about business startups.

I am looking forward to the remainder of the week. Things are just getting better. It seems like the worst of the storm has passed and I can see the clear skies on the other side. (knock on wood)

Today was a great day!

New Opportunities Equal New Challenges.

The past 2 1/2 years have been about growth and learning. The last three months have been about focus and evaluating the next part of this journey. 

I was turned down from each of the University of California schools I applied to. I tried to blame it on the budget crisis and it somehow wasn't my fault. In all reasonable actuality I can just blame myself. I kept putting off certain required classes until it was too late to take them. Two classes I needed to complete this spring, summer sessions wouldn't count. I thought they would, according to a very confusing web site, but they don't. What does that mean. Well, my SFSU admission was conditional, and since I am not going to meet the conditions, they are going to retract the offer and I will not be admitted. Now in the past I would have beaten myself up for it, seen nothing but the negative parts of the situation. Now though, after I actually had to sit and meditate on it, I could see the positive outcome that can come from this. 

I will be able to concentrate on finishing up the last two courses I need. And with a couple of other courses I can push my GPA closer to 4.0. Then I will be able to re-apply to UC Berkeley and UCLA. I found out the only reason I wasn't admitted was due to the one class I needed to take this summer. In the end, I'll get to go to the school I really wanted to.

 

I will have more time to devote to my new position and help this new company succeed. If the company does well, then I will do well. 

I will have some time to take a couple of little trips. Maybe even that backpacking adventure I wanted to do last summer. 

I am going to start training in the martial art of aikido. 

I'll have more time to work on my meditation skills and enjoying life. 

I believe this is what I need to re-focus myself and set myself on the path of happiness. 

In the end, this news was actually a bit of a relief. It seems like a lot of the stresses that have weighed me down are lifted and are going to allow me to center myself. It is exactly what I needed. 

Time to Follow my Heart...

I have spent a good deal of time recently reflecting on my life and remembering the times when I felt sincerely happy. I have thought about the times with my grandmother in her garden. There were the summers spent with grandpa in the backyard while he fiddled with projects in his shed. The cold winters at Blue River trout fishing with my best friend Bill. The yearly trips to South Padre Island to spend a week running freely in the beach and swimming in the ocean. But those are all memories from my childhood, things that I cannot retrieve and bring into my present day life.
Where are the times in my adult life, since moving from out of my parents house and to California, that I remember truly being happy? Then it comes to me...
About my third year out here I went over to Santa Cruz one day determined to learn how to surf. I rented a long board, drove down to 41st Ave and pulled on my Goodwill purchased wet suit and dove in. After some instruction from a man that would later become one of my best surfing buddies, I managed to stand up and catch my first ride...completely exhilarated, I paddled out again and again and again. I spent a total of six hours that day catching waves. I was hooked. But where does this come in as to finding my current happiness? It is because at the time, I had nothing. All I had was my 1972 VW Bus, my newly custom made long board, and myself. I had a small apartment with little to no furniture and a part time job doing customer service. But I was happy. All I had to worry about was being to work on time, paying what few bills I had (rent and phone), making sure there was gas in the bus, and if there was going to be surf that day. Life was simple. Surfing was my spirituality. The man who became my best friend out in the surf was an older Cherokee Indian that had moved to Capitola from Oklahoma ~40 years earlier. He was about 6'2", slender, white hair down to his waist, and the kindest, gentlest person to talk with.
So again, how do I apply this to the present?
Simplify! My heart keeps telling me what I already know. Stop chasing after the material things that everyone struggles to attain! My mind and my spirituality are things that NO ONE can take from me. Everything else, my things, my family, my friends...these can all be gone by tonight. But my mind, my spirit, that is mine.
I believe true friends and a close companion are important in a persons life. Recently I have evaluated who I called friend and came to see that I am lacking of friends with real substance. I almost list my best friend and my companion to a terrible disease. Thankfully he was able to see the need to get help and fight this battle and is doing very well. But for us both, it is still a long road ahead.
As for friends. I am terribly guarded with who I let in. It takes time and patience for me to feel the trust and chemistry that I need to open up and let someone close. The worst part about it all is that I live in a city where everyone feels the same way. A city full of facades and shallow acquaintances.

So again, where does this leave me with my initial questions? This is where...

1. I stop chasing after the "wants" in life. I have a wonderful cozy apartment that is filled with things that make it comfortable and welcoming to come home to.
2. I simplify my daily life. Things happen for a reason, I need to be flexible with how a day unfolds and presents itself. Most importantly, live in the present! The right here and right now!
3. True friends and companions will make themselves known, I need to be patient with this. I also know that I have some "issues" that I need to correct for this to happen.
4. Find a spirituality that works for me. It might be a little bit from several and I may not be able to tie myself to just one...but I believe this will make me whole.

the Universe brings souls together for a reason....

as much of a humanist as I am, I still believe in fate and things happening for a reason. People come in and out of our lives with purpose. It may seem like a random incident. But if and when you step back you see that there is a reason for it. There is always a lesson in it.
Last summer I met an amazing young man. He was from the East Coast visiting family out here. We instantly bonded over lunch one day. It was easy conversation. But at the time, I wasn't sure why I was connecting with this guy. I mean, hell, he is one of the most adorable and attractive men I have met in a long time. He is smart. He is intelligent. And he is deep, emotionally. Unfortunately, this one time was the only time we spent in person hanging out. I pulled back. It is something I do when I am unsure about my feelings. It was not only unfair to this person, but it was unfair to myself.
Over the last few months I have been following him through his blog. Learning more about him and his trials and tribulations that happen at his age. And the more I read, the more I find a feeling of a deeper connection. It is as if the nurturing part within me wants to be the big brother. I find myself connecting, even though it is only virtually, on a deeper level with him.
The Universe brings people into our lives....and it brought this individual into my life to give me the motivation to continue my quest for inner happiness. I can't wait to see him again, and this time I will not pull back and let my fears control the situation. We are on this journey of life for such a short amount of time. So when those connections are made, we need to take every opportunity to seize the moment. To make it a part of our soul. To make a memory that we can look back on and smile, knowing that we are emotionally richer for it.

Trying to Awaken and Find My Happiness...

It has been weeks since I have felt true happiness. I have forgot what it is like to walk down the street and be in the moment. I hate using old sayings, but I don't have the motivation to stop and smell the roses.
I know what it is that I need to do in order to find my happiness. But just because I know what to do doesn't mean that I have the motivation to follow up.
Lately all I want to do is sleep. I crawl into bed at least two or three times a day and take naps. I find myself wanting to escape reality by losing myself in my unconsciousness. I need to find a hobby that gets me out of the house. I still get to the gym regularly, but that isn't having the same effect it once did. I won't stop going, I have made some real progress on my physical appearance and it adds to my increased self esteem.

I just need to find an outdoor activity that makes me happy. I am going to start exploring some possibilities that are around the area...and motivate myself to get there.

My Little Bella the Gypsy...

Will Not Sleepwalk...

when it comes to finding my happiness. I keep thinking that these the material possessions bring me happiness. I do enjoy my comforts that I have surrounded myself with. But when it comes to it, if I was to lose all things tomorrow, would I be any less happy? I would have to say no. In all actuality I would probably be happier. The Seventh Dalai Lama said:

"One may cherish property and wealth

Gained by cunning means, 

But one day, all one's possessions

Will fall to other's hands. 

Now, while you have them, 

Use them to benefit the world." 

I believe what he is was teaching was for one to use their wealth and possessions to the benefit of society. We all know the teachings that tell us that whatever we collected in this world, we can't take it with us once we die. 

We came into this world without anything and we leave this world without anything....with one exception. Those memories and the knowledge that we have collected over our life. 

So this is my lesson that I am trying to remind myself each day. At any time, all this can be gone...but the one things that cannot be taken away, is my knowledge and mind. I need to remember to focus on increasing my knowledge and learning as much as I can. I think my true happiness is going to come from simplifying my life and the way I live. As long as I have a roof over my head, and meal to give me the nutrition I need for that day, and my health, what more do I need? 

I wonder if entering the teaching of Buddhism is what I should pursue? I want to learn how to be truly compassionate, unselfish, and peaceful. These are questions that I need to answer over the next few days, weeks, and months.   

Inner Happiness?

Happiness with one's self is a topic I hear my friends talking about a lot lately. There are lots of questions about what it means to be happy. Each individual has their own answer to what they believe will bring them happiness. Happiness comes in the form for some as a career they find enjoyment within. Happiness for another comes from bringing happiness to someone else. And for another, happiness comes from just living in the moment. This leads me to the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. What will bring me happiness?
I believed I had come close to finding it. But then I realized I wasn't even close. The events that I have experienced over the past couple of years have only been the first couple of steps towards my happiness. They were only a couple of steps, but they were the biggest and hardest to do. The first step was my sobriety. Once I cleared my mind of the things that clouded my vision I was able to start focusing on the second step. My education has made me a better individual. I think more critically about things in the world. I question the motives of those who "lead" our society. And I think of ways that I can better myself so that ultimately I may better humanity.
This leads me closer to finding my happiness...but I am still unclear what that is. Will I know what to look for or will it just appear? Do we know actually ever know what will bring us happiness or do we search for it by trial and error?
I hear my inner self telling me what to do. I listen. But to actually follow it will take a lot of effort. It will take unlearning my upbringing. To find a way to quiet the society I live in. Is that even possible in this country? Is that possible in what I believe is the evolution of mankind? I just need to learn the balance between consumerism and necessity. Want and need.
I am on the journey of finding what is most important with my true self. I believe that as I find my values that my true self will make itself known.

We Should Think About Our Death Daily...

The Seventh Dalai Lama once said in a poem:
"Human life is rare and precious, 
Yet if not inspired by thought of death, 
One wastes it on materialism: 
Be ready to die at any moment."

This is a way of thinking that is absent from Western society. Here in the United States individuals spend their entire life trying to not think about death. We are in a society that is consumed in commercialism. This leads to obscene amounts of consumption of "needs" that give a false sense of happiness. This false sense of happiness imparts a pseudo immortality. Individuals in this country are far removed from anything that reminds them that all living creatures have the same destiny. The flesh that they buy to consume in great amounts are presented in a way that sterilizes the experience. Nicely wrapped in plastic where it can be easily handled without any trace of resemblance to the living creature it was just days before.
They present the death of loved ones in a way where they resemble someone just sleeping. Even the final memorial doesn't directly deal with the subject. The death of a loved one in many countries is a hands on experience for the family. As it should be. What better way to show respect and love for that person? To be a part of the preparation of the body, the ultimate homage to the life of that person.
We need to think about death on a daily basis. We shouldn't try an avoid it, but embrace it. It is an experience we are all going to go through at some time. If we are ready for death at any moment, we learn to live in the moment. We learn to take in the little things that make up our daily lives. We don't waste our time chasing after those things that we cannot take with us. But the experiences, the memories, the knowledge...these chemical, electrical, and even spiritual events...these are things that continue on after we die. If not within us, within those that we came into contact and continue on after we pass. That is how I plan on spending the remaining days of my life...using my time to better myself and in turn passing this on to those generations that come after me.
Death is not something I fear. It is something I embrace. After all, it is and will be the final exciting unknown voyage I will take...as far as I know.