You Saw Correctly...

...that was me at the AA meeting last night. I went to support my best friend and partner as he completed his 30th day sober.
Since I chose to become sober on January 24th, 2009 I have done it without any outside help. This was something I needed to do on my own, for myself. I understand the function of AA and it's amazing support for helping many individuals to remain sober. But for myself becoming sober was something that I needed to do my way. I became clean and walked away from my drug addiction in June of 2001. (Wow, that just reminded me that my 10 year mark is coming up!) I did it with inner power, strength, and just overall will power. I found the reasons inside myself why I could no longer use. I became aware that if I continued, I would die.

But, to fill the addiction part of my personality, I turned to alcohol.
It started simply enough. One or two beers in the evenings to take the edge off. Then that went to a six pack each night, to a 12 pack, to a 12 pack and small bottle of Jager, to a 12 pack and as much Jager as it took to black out. Almost every night for the next two years. This is while I was living in the south of San Jose, so there isn't a lot to do except drink.

In 2004, I moved to Sacramento. Sacramento was just a blur. I don't remember a whole lot from my time there. It was pure chaos and I completely lost who I was.

In late 2004, I moved back to SF. The drinking continued to get worse. It elevated from just evenings to early afternoons to late mornings to mornings. I always said it was 5 o'clock somewhere in the world.
Several jobs, several relationships, several living situations and I reached my all time low in 2008. I checked into CDRP and went 30 days sober. But it didn't last. There were several reasons, but ultimately it was not my time yet. I hadn't accepted the problems I had and without that, there wasn't any way I was going to put down the bottle.

January 23, 2009, that evening starts as any other. Shando and I start with the excuse, just going out for a couple of drinks. After taking over 3 hours to walk Shando home from Castro/18th to Harrison/25th, we passed out. I wasn't even prepared for what came the next day. But Shando looked over and said, I have had enough, I need to stop.

It took me by surprise. I was so excited. I admit it, I walked away and didn't think twice about it. Just like that, I was done.
I don't remember the withdraw. I don't remember any cravings. I just knew I was rid of a part of my life that had controlled my actions for too many years.

Did I think about going to AA? Yes, of course. Did I? No. I found my 'higher' power on my own. I knew why I couldn't drink again. I was tired of being stuck in life. But mostly, I knew I was on the edge of crossing over and checking out of life all together....so that is how I have dealt with my sobriety the past two years.

So why am I thinking about AA now? Am I afraid of slipping? NO! I KNOW that if I relapse I will not come out alive. I know what my mind feels like when I am intoxicated. It hurts, it feels bloated, it like it is dying. (and in reality it is). So again, why AA now?

I have my spirituality, even though I keep refining it and defining what I think it means to me. I am not looking to AA for that. I think what I need is to surround myself with others who know what I have felt like. Who knows what I mean when I say, "I hate the way I felt stupid after drinking". But mostly, I have become this introvert and add to it by my excuse that I need that to focus on school/work/myself. But I realize after last night, I need AA to pull me out of that shell. It is OK that I am an introvert. It is good to hear the shares. It is good to see the faces of addiction. It is good to see those that are like me.
I am still extremely prideful that I was able to stop drinking with my own shear will and want. But now it is time to put down that pride and be humble.

Part of my spirituality and self improvement is working on my compassion towards others. "Generating compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them". This is what I am returning to AA for. I am releasing all my haughtiness, conceit, pride, and arrogant attitudes. This is the next step in my spiritual journey. I can do this by sharing my story and for being there if someone needs a helping hand. And finally, I return to protect my life. Surround myself with the strength that can come from belonging to a group who are all trying to achieve the same outcome.