High School Revisited! The Nightmare that Returned.

Public school for me was a constant nightmare. There are few people I have ever admitted this to, but I hated every minute of it from 7th grade until graduation.

I continually felt out of place. I was the outcast that didn't fit into any of the groups. This was mostly due to the religion I was raised within. Being a JW means that as a student in a public school you are always the weirdo. You don't celebrate any of the holidays and have to always explain why...for EVERY holiday...EVERY year! You don't recite the pledge of allegiance and have to explain that. You aren't allowed to date anyone not a fellow JW. There are no dances, no sports, no extra activities...NOTHING!

This leads to a ton of internal issues for any kid of a JW attending public school. For myself, I was constantly picked on. I had a group of "popular" friends, but I was still picked on. I was bullied. Called every name you can think of. Physically assaulted on numerous occasions. This lead to me trying even harder to fit in. Or did I just want to blend in so I wouldn't be picked out so easily? Even to the point of making up stories to boost my "interest" factor. Which in turn led me to even more depression and self esteem issues.

Why do I tell this story now? Because this morning at the gym, I was propelled right back to those feelings I had in high school. A situation arose by a guy I never met or had seen at the gym before. But his look, his mannerisms, his personality was the spitting image of one of the guys that used to bully me in school. He turned my letters on my lock so it spelled out "loser". He didn't know that I watched while he did it. I let him finish, then walked up and asked why he would do that? He turned around, called me several names and then said, "you're a fucking loser!" Since being an adult I have alway sheen able to take care of myself and defend myself against anyones attacks. But this time, I couldn't say anything. I froze. I felt all the fears, the pain, the anxiety of my teenage horrors come rushing in. I did manage to call him a dick. I told him to fuck off. But it wasn't my usual sharp tongued self. And all the while, holding back the tears I felt coming on. Here is this person whom I have never had any interaction with, and he had completely broke me down! It was the feelings I had in school, 100% there in my face. And I was powerless to deal with it.

I left and called a friend right away. He told me, "some people are just sick, and we have no control over that". And I completely agree. But just the timing and coming out of no of the no where really disturbed me. Relaying the situation and trying to get someone to understand how I felt is next to impossible. Unless you stepped into my body and relived the memories, you wouldn't know the feelings I was experiencing.

What did I learn from the situation? I learned that I still have deep hidden issues regarding my childhood and teenage periods. I have resentment about how I was raised and what I was taught to believe about the world. It is why 16 years ago I ran as far away as possible from all that. But now it is time to turn around and deal with it and them(my parents) directly. It is the only way I will have peace with it and be able to move on and learn from it. I am the person I am today because of it. Learning from the mistakes and using that to help others who may have had similar experiences is how I will use it in a positive way.