my postings will continue over at WordPress, here is the link:
http://sleepwalkingmonkey.wordpress.com/
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Unexpected Awesome Day...
I made plans today to have lunch with a new friend and was a little anxious about it. My social anxiety and the thought of meeting new people can sometimes freak me out. I decided that I would change my usual routine and head down to Jumpin' Java and have coffee and get some work done early.
This was a great idea. The sun was out. It was warm with a slight breeze. Sitting at the coffee shop I managed to get a lot of work completed before Matt showed up.
We decided on having sushi on Castro Street at Osaka. The conversation flowed smoothly and can't help but mention that Matt is a cutie to be hanging out with. I actually kept getting lost in his big brown eyes. :) Only later did I learn that he was just as nervous as I was about meeting and hanging out. I don't ever think that I come off as someone that makes others nervous, but I guess I do. :(
Meeting a new person that makes me feel that comfortable and easy is rare. Matt is definitely a friend that I plan on getting to know better and am thankful for meeting.
After coming home, Shando and I decided to take a walk and get some coffee. We ended up walking from Church/Market to Castro to Dolores Park. It was just one of those days when you can't help but want to walk everywhere.
Overall...today was a GREAT day. Great day!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Caught Sleepwalking...
It is difficult to know where to start. My mood and emotions have been all over the place for the last few weeks. I know that something has got to change, and it has got to change SOON!
It seems that either I am too blind by my emotions to see the answers or that I am still being manipulated by individuals in my life. I have had more patience and understanding while the healing process is happening. How long does one person accept the healing processes even when their emotions, feelings, and love are being trashed?
This is the second weekend that I have found out about a lie that has lead to my part in this relationship being put aside while he satisfies his "needs" to feel "wanted". I admitted that we needed to be open, but first we needed to repair the loss of connection that we were having before we could develop healthy relationships outside of us. We are far from being there, and I would even venture to say that the being "in love" has been lost. I fear and question if that can be regained. I am not sure that at this point I even want to devote more energy to it.
I never make a decision immediately when trouble arises. I give myself at least 48 hours to review my options and my feelings. It gives me the chance to talk things through within myself and with my trusted friends. At this moment, this is what I am thinking about:
1. Ask Shando to move out and I stay here in the apartment. It would allow me to keep the dogs and keep some sense of "home" that I have created here.
2. Find a smaller apartment, a place to call home base. It would be a place to keep my basic of essentials that give me a sense of home. The cheaper rent would allow me the opportunity to travel and visit friends and places I have always wanted to see. (This also is possible due to my new job and being able to do it while on the road.)
3. Shando and I go into intense couple therapy. We set a goal of where we would like to be and if we don't feel that we have reached that, we then revert back to either plan 1 or 2.
I also recently came to another realization. I miss having summers. I miss having the continuous days of heat where you spend the evening outside to stay cool. This is a way that I remember socializing, sitting out on the porch talking and drinking soda until late at night. You don't get that there in San Francisco. The sun comes out and it warms from about 11am to 3pm, then the wind and fog start to roll in. Next thing you know, you are grabbing the sweatshirts and finding the space heaters to keep warm. I miss real summers.
It was Pride over the last weekend. I would say happy Pride, but for me, it sucked! Pride for me has lost it's meaning. I instead choose to have Pride the rest of the year and to celebrate who I am.
I need to take the positive lessons from all of this and realize that it will make me a stronger and wiser in my life experiences.
Lastly, 99% of the men in San Francisco are pigs who care about nothing but their own cocks and who they can get their rocks off with. There is no attempt with emotional/spiritual connection...with that, I have no interest in! It is full of empty connections that lead to nothing but wasted actions.
It seems that either I am too blind by my emotions to see the answers or that I am still being manipulated by individuals in my life. I have had more patience and understanding while the healing process is happening. How long does one person accept the healing processes even when their emotions, feelings, and love are being trashed?
This is the second weekend that I have found out about a lie that has lead to my part in this relationship being put aside while he satisfies his "needs" to feel "wanted". I admitted that we needed to be open, but first we needed to repair the loss of connection that we were having before we could develop healthy relationships outside of us. We are far from being there, and I would even venture to say that the being "in love" has been lost. I fear and question if that can be regained. I am not sure that at this point I even want to devote more energy to it.
I never make a decision immediately when trouble arises. I give myself at least 48 hours to review my options and my feelings. It gives me the chance to talk things through within myself and with my trusted friends. At this moment, this is what I am thinking about:
1. Ask Shando to move out and I stay here in the apartment. It would allow me to keep the dogs and keep some sense of "home" that I have created here.
2. Find a smaller apartment, a place to call home base. It would be a place to keep my basic of essentials that give me a sense of home. The cheaper rent would allow me the opportunity to travel and visit friends and places I have always wanted to see. (This also is possible due to my new job and being able to do it while on the road.)
3. Shando and I go into intense couple therapy. We set a goal of where we would like to be and if we don't feel that we have reached that, we then revert back to either plan 1 or 2.
I also recently came to another realization. I miss having summers. I miss having the continuous days of heat where you spend the evening outside to stay cool. This is a way that I remember socializing, sitting out on the porch talking and drinking soda until late at night. You don't get that there in San Francisco. The sun comes out and it warms from about 11am to 3pm, then the wind and fog start to roll in. Next thing you know, you are grabbing the sweatshirts and finding the space heaters to keep warm. I miss real summers.
It was Pride over the last weekend. I would say happy Pride, but for me, it sucked! Pride for me has lost it's meaning. I instead choose to have Pride the rest of the year and to celebrate who I am.
I need to take the positive lessons from all of this and realize that it will make me a stronger and wiser in my life experiences.
Lastly, 99% of the men in San Francisco are pigs who care about nothing but their own cocks and who they can get their rocks off with. There is no attempt with emotional/spiritual connection...with that, I have no interest in! It is full of empty connections that lead to nothing but wasted actions.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Hypochondriac That I Am...
This is the story of my life. I go through years without any serious health issues. Then like today, something small turns into something BiG in my mind.
I was in the gym today and while doing lat pulldowns my abs were unusually sore. I simply ran my hand down my stomach and there is was...a lump! Just above my navel. Oh Jeebuz! Did I finally do it? Did I finally cause myself to get a hernia? I immediately call the doctor and then Shando. The earliest I can get in to see the doctor is 4pm. Great, now I get to spend the whole day feeling and contemplating what I have. OMG! What if it is a hernia? That will mean surgery! And how long will I be out? I can't have that now. (not to mention that I don't have any insurance).
Well, after a day of grumpiness, snapping at Shando several times for no reason, and worrying myself to sickness, the doctor takes a feel.
"You just recently lost a lot of weight huh?"
"yeah, so what does that mean? OMG! What did I do to myself" -me
"Nothing. Do you have a history of lymphomas?"
"yes, O!M!G!...is this all this is?"-me
"yep, since you are losing all the fat on your belly, there is nothing to cushion the little buggers. So you'll feel them more and they might be tender. But that is about it." -doctor
"great! thanks"-me
As soon as he said this, I knew what it was from the beginning. It is exactly what I told myself when I first felt it. But then that devil, the internet, I was all over it checking out symptoms and I knew it was a hernia.
Lesson learned. If it doesn't hurt or I am in any pain, give it 24 hours then check it again.
Second lesson for the day. After witnessing that horrible accident, be grateful for life and good health. Each year, month, day, hour, minute, and second.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Diet...
I get a lot of questions on how have I managed to lose so much weight. I decided to address it here and lay it out for all to read.
First, this didn't happen on a few weeks or even months. It has been a two+ year journey. A journey that I have experimented with different tactics and found what works for me. This means that you should take the information and adjust them to your needs. We all process calories differently and have different needs.
I exercise 4-6 days per week. No exceptions unless I am ill or come to a point where I need a mental break. (That happens about once ever three months).
Daily diet:
Morning:
1 cup non-fat cottage cheese.
1 Tbs. raw honey.
1/4 cup special nuts. (these are pecans/almond/peanuts that are mixed with honey, raw sugar, cinnamon, and a little water. I pre make a batch once a week)
Mid morning: (this is if I am feeling hungry)
1/4 c. rice
1 soft boiled egg
Lunch:
Fish (This is either two poached tilapia, catfish, or whitefish)
1/2 c. rice
1/2c. wakame seaweed salad
1/2 c. vegetables
Mid Afternoon snack:
Fish
-ahi tuna in miso, rice vinegar, soy, raw sugar.
(I make a variation of ahi tuna poi about every three days and put it in a sealable container)
1c. seaweed salad.
**this is my snack whenever I feel like I need something to munch on**
Dinner:
Same as lunch.
Bedtime:
1c. non fat milk
1/2 c non fat yogurt with 1tsp honey
I also make a miso glaze that goes on everything that I want to give taste to.
Miso/Rice vinegar/sesame oil/salt/raw sugar.
I make about 8oz. and store it in the fridge.
That is it. I eat the same thing every day. It sounds boring, but I have learned to eat for nutrition and not to fill an emotional need.
I rarely break from this diet. When I have, the foods I ate made me physically ill. My whole body ached and I had trouble sleeping and was moody.
So there it is. If you have any questions, I would be happy to share.
First, this didn't happen on a few weeks or even months. It has been a two+ year journey. A journey that I have experimented with different tactics and found what works for me. This means that you should take the information and adjust them to your needs. We all process calories differently and have different needs.
I exercise 4-6 days per week. No exceptions unless I am ill or come to a point where I need a mental break. (That happens about once ever three months).
Daily diet:
Morning:
1 cup non-fat cottage cheese.
1 Tbs. raw honey.
1/4 cup special nuts. (these are pecans/almond/peanuts that are mixed with honey, raw sugar, cinnamon, and a little water. I pre make a batch once a week)
Mid morning: (this is if I am feeling hungry)
1/4 c. rice
1 soft boiled egg
Lunch:
Fish (This is either two poached tilapia, catfish, or whitefish)
1/2 c. rice
1/2c. wakame seaweed salad
1/2 c. vegetables
Mid Afternoon snack:
Fish
-ahi tuna in miso, rice vinegar, soy, raw sugar.
(I make a variation of ahi tuna poi about every three days and put it in a sealable container)
1c. seaweed salad.
**this is my snack whenever I feel like I need something to munch on**
Dinner:
Same as lunch.
Bedtime:
1c. non fat milk
1/2 c non fat yogurt with 1tsp honey
I also make a miso glaze that goes on everything that I want to give taste to.
Miso/Rice vinegar/sesame oil/salt/raw sugar.
I make about 8oz. and store it in the fridge.
That is it. I eat the same thing every day. It sounds boring, but I have learned to eat for nutrition and not to fill an emotional need.
I rarely break from this diet. When I have, the foods I ate made me physically ill. My whole body ached and I had trouble sleeping and was moody.
So there it is. If you have any questions, I would be happy to share.
Ch..Ch..Changes!
First I want to thank whatever the power it was that enabled me to NOT pick up a bottle over the weekend and completely numb the emotional roller coaster that I was on.
If there is one thing I am good at it is reading a persons body language. If you are hiding something from me, I WILL know. I may not be able to know exactly what it is, but I will have suspicions and be a little more in tune that something is going on.
If you lie to me and when I find out, depending on the severity, it is over. No second chances! Hurt me once....you will not hurt me again! I know when to protect myself and my emotions.
I confronted a friend about just such an issue over the weekend. I understand that it sucks to be caught in a lie. But don't use your defense mechanisms to point out every little flaw that you think I have. I know my flaws, I know what I need to work on. I DON'T NEED you telling me what they are. For everyone that would be the final nail in the coffin and our relationship would be six feet under.
Along with the lying issue I was also challenged on my ability to 'seem' like I never have a desire to pick up a bottle. In the beginning of my sobriety I knew what my challenges and stressors were going to be and prepared myself for them. But the last week, I was thrown triggers that I couldn't prepare for. And for "you" not to see them and then to dismiss them was the ultimate slap in the face.
Triggers:
1. Working two hard years in school, 3.8GPA, Dean's List, Honor classes, and I get denied from each school I wanted to get into.
2. Waiting daily for the call that my grandmother has passed away, she is in the hospital with kidney failure after breaking her ankle and possible stroke.
3. The thought/anxiety of going back to Oklahoma and seeing my family. This is NOT something that I even remotely look forward to.
Those are all the triggers that I need to think about picking up a bottle and numbing the feelings. Why I haven't? I am not sure. Something within me is stronger than the negative feelings that are are there.
Lastly, I had mentioned that my therapist hit on something that resonated within me in regards to why I felt sad and depressed about myself. I was missing the adventure that I saw myself doing and dreaming about when I was a child. With that said, I am planning on making this my goal over the next few months. I am going to hold back on the details right now, but with the graces of an amazing job and the positive outcome from not getting into UC and waiting until next year to re-apply, I may have the means to fulfill these dreams.
If there is one thing I am good at it is reading a persons body language. If you are hiding something from me, I WILL know. I may not be able to know exactly what it is, but I will have suspicions and be a little more in tune that something is going on.
If you lie to me and when I find out, depending on the severity, it is over. No second chances! Hurt me once....you will not hurt me again! I know when to protect myself and my emotions.
I confronted a friend about just such an issue over the weekend. I understand that it sucks to be caught in a lie. But don't use your defense mechanisms to point out every little flaw that you think I have. I know my flaws, I know what I need to work on. I DON'T NEED you telling me what they are. For everyone that would be the final nail in the coffin and our relationship would be six feet under.
Along with the lying issue I was also challenged on my ability to 'seem' like I never have a desire to pick up a bottle. In the beginning of my sobriety I knew what my challenges and stressors were going to be and prepared myself for them. But the last week, I was thrown triggers that I couldn't prepare for. And for "you" not to see them and then to dismiss them was the ultimate slap in the face.
Triggers:
1. Working two hard years in school, 3.8GPA, Dean's List, Honor classes, and I get denied from each school I wanted to get into.
2. Waiting daily for the call that my grandmother has passed away, she is in the hospital with kidney failure after breaking her ankle and possible stroke.
3. The thought/anxiety of going back to Oklahoma and seeing my family. This is NOT something that I even remotely look forward to.
Those are all the triggers that I need to think about picking up a bottle and numbing the feelings. Why I haven't? I am not sure. Something within me is stronger than the negative feelings that are are there.
Lastly, I had mentioned that my therapist hit on something that resonated within me in regards to why I felt sad and depressed about myself. I was missing the adventure that I saw myself doing and dreaming about when I was a child. With that said, I am planning on making this my goal over the next few months. I am going to hold back on the details right now, but with the graces of an amazing job and the positive outcome from not getting into UC and waiting until next year to re-apply, I may have the means to fulfill these dreams.
Friday, June 17, 2011
What a Week!
Roller coasters are fun. But emotional roller coasters are not. This is just a quick update on what has been going on in my life.
Things are going well with Shando and I. Work is going great. Bad news about my grandmother. Loss of motivation at times. Happy-Sad-Happy-Numb-OK...It can change in two seconds.
I'll post more later, I haven't been in the mood to write lately. I hope that changes soon.
Things are going well with Shando and I. Work is going great. Bad news about my grandmother. Loss of motivation at times. Happy-Sad-Happy-Numb-OK...It can change in two seconds.
I'll post more later, I haven't been in the mood to write lately. I hope that changes soon.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Story of Sushi
I have always had a strong interest in Japanese culture. I am taking Nihongo classes, I read tons of history books of Japan, and now I have started to discover the history of their food culture.
I started reading The Story of Sushi and am at awe of the history of everything from rice to the making of miso. I have educated myself on the proper order of a meal within a sushi bar. It is amazing how little I knew of the process. Did you know that the miso soup is supposed to be one of the last items of the meal and not the first? I knew that if you dipped nigiri in soy sauce it was always fish down, but I didn't know that this was really an insult to the sushi chef. True nigiri shouldn't need any further flavors added, or you lose the flavor of the fish.
I also was interested to learn that in a "real" sushi establishment there will not be any menus. Diners are suppose to come in, be seated, great the chef and say "omakase" ("I leave it up to you"), this allows the chef to serve what he thinks is the best fish of the day and to show off his skills. It will also allow you as the diner to sample new flavors that you may otherwise have overlooked.
Even though I do not drink now, I never realized that traditional sushi connoisseurs will never drink sake with their sushi. It is a blending of two rice flavors and the flavors of the fish will be lost on the palate.
And lastly...rolls of any kind should never be consumed until the end...and only one type of roll. Chef's choice. The purpose of the roll is to make sure that the diner is full and satisfied when leaving the restaurant.
I will post more as I continue through the book, but so far it has been a great read.
I will post more as I continue through the book, but so far it has been a great read.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Starting Aikido Training on Monday...
I am excited to start training in the Japanese martial art of Aikido on Monday. For several years I have wanted to train in this martial art but really never had the time to devote to it. With the change of events and having some extra time this summer I am going to start at the Suginami Aikikai. They seem to be the best dojo that offers a number of classes including Jiu-Jitsu, Judo, and Tai Chi.
**update: this was moved to this Monday, 13June2011.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
High School Revisited! The Nightmare that Returned.
Public school for me was a constant nightmare. There are few people I have ever admitted this to, but I hated every minute of it from 7th grade until graduation.
I continually felt out of place. I was the outcast that didn't fit into any of the groups. This was mostly due to the religion I was raised within. Being a JW means that as a student in a public school you are always the weirdo. You don't celebrate any of the holidays and have to always explain why...for EVERY holiday...EVERY year! You don't recite the pledge of allegiance and have to explain that. You aren't allowed to date anyone not a fellow JW. There are no dances, no sports, no extra activities...NOTHING!
This leads to a ton of internal issues for any kid of a JW attending public school. For myself, I was constantly picked on. I had a group of "popular" friends, but I was still picked on. I was bullied. Called every name you can think of. Physically assaulted on numerous occasions. This lead to me trying even harder to fit in. Or did I just want to blend in so I wouldn't be picked out so easily? Even to the point of making up stories to boost my "interest" factor. Which in turn led me to even more depression and self esteem issues.
Why do I tell this story now? Because this morning at the gym, I was propelled right back to those feelings I had in high school. A situation arose by a guy I never met or had seen at the gym before. But his look, his mannerisms, his personality was the spitting image of one of the guys that used to bully me in school. He turned my letters on my lock so it spelled out "loser". He didn't know that I watched while he did it. I let him finish, then walked up and asked why he would do that? He turned around, called me several names and then said, "you're a fucking loser!" Since being an adult I have alway sheen able to take care of myself and defend myself against anyones attacks. But this time, I couldn't say anything. I froze. I felt all the fears, the pain, the anxiety of my teenage horrors come rushing in. I did manage to call him a dick. I told him to fuck off. But it wasn't my usual sharp tongued self. And all the while, holding back the tears I felt coming on. Here is this person whom I have never had any interaction with, and he had completely broke me down! It was the feelings I had in school, 100% there in my face. And I was powerless to deal with it.
I left and called a friend right away. He told me, "some people are just sick, and we have no control over that". And I completely agree. But just the timing and coming out of no of the no where really disturbed me. Relaying the situation and trying to get someone to understand how I felt is next to impossible. Unless you stepped into my body and relived the memories, you wouldn't know the feelings I was experiencing.
What did I learn from the situation? I learned that I still have deep hidden issues regarding my childhood and teenage periods. I have resentment about how I was raised and what I was taught to believe about the world. It is why 16 years ago I ran as far away as possible from all that. But now it is time to turn around and deal with it and them(my parents) directly. It is the only way I will have peace with it and be able to move on and learn from it. I am the person I am today because of it. Learning from the mistakes and using that to help others who may have had similar experiences is how I will use it in a positive way.
I continually felt out of place. I was the outcast that didn't fit into any of the groups. This was mostly due to the religion I was raised within. Being a JW means that as a student in a public school you are always the weirdo. You don't celebrate any of the holidays and have to always explain why...for EVERY holiday...EVERY year! You don't recite the pledge of allegiance and have to explain that. You aren't allowed to date anyone not a fellow JW. There are no dances, no sports, no extra activities...NOTHING!
This leads to a ton of internal issues for any kid of a JW attending public school. For myself, I was constantly picked on. I had a group of "popular" friends, but I was still picked on. I was bullied. Called every name you can think of. Physically assaulted on numerous occasions. This lead to me trying even harder to fit in. Or did I just want to blend in so I wouldn't be picked out so easily? Even to the point of making up stories to boost my "interest" factor. Which in turn led me to even more depression and self esteem issues.
Why do I tell this story now? Because this morning at the gym, I was propelled right back to those feelings I had in high school. A situation arose by a guy I never met or had seen at the gym before. But his look, his mannerisms, his personality was the spitting image of one of the guys that used to bully me in school. He turned my letters on my lock so it spelled out "loser". He didn't know that I watched while he did it. I let him finish, then walked up and asked why he would do that? He turned around, called me several names and then said, "you're a fucking loser!" Since being an adult I have alway sheen able to take care of myself and defend myself against anyones attacks. But this time, I couldn't say anything. I froze. I felt all the fears, the pain, the anxiety of my teenage horrors come rushing in. I did manage to call him a dick. I told him to fuck off. But it wasn't my usual sharp tongued self. And all the while, holding back the tears I felt coming on. Here is this person whom I have never had any interaction with, and he had completely broke me down! It was the feelings I had in school, 100% there in my face. And I was powerless to deal with it.
I left and called a friend right away. He told me, "some people are just sick, and we have no control over that". And I completely agree. But just the timing and coming out of no of the no where really disturbed me. Relaying the situation and trying to get someone to understand how I felt is next to impossible. Unless you stepped into my body and relived the memories, you wouldn't know the feelings I was experiencing.
What did I learn from the situation? I learned that I still have deep hidden issues regarding my childhood and teenage periods. I have resentment about how I was raised and what I was taught to believe about the world. It is why 16 years ago I ran as far away as possible from all that. But now it is time to turn around and deal with it and them(my parents) directly. It is the only way I will have peace with it and be able to move on and learn from it. I am the person I am today because of it. Learning from the mistakes and using that to help others who may have had similar experiences is how I will use it in a positive way.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Good News and Truly Understanding Professors...
Many of my friends know what I have been through over the last semester. It created difficulty when it came to my school work and keeping up. I decided to ask my professors for a grade of incomplete for each course.
If it is granted it will allow me the time to get the work completed and not risk failing the class and having to retake it. As of tonight, one professor agreed to it.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
You Saw Correctly...
...that was me at the AA meeting last night. I went to support my best friend and partner as he completed his 30th day sober.
Since I chose to become sober on January 24th, 2009 I have done it without any outside help. This was something I needed to do on my own, for myself. I understand the function of AA and it's amazing support for helping many individuals to remain sober. But for myself becoming sober was something that I needed to do my way. I became clean and walked away from my drug addiction in June of 2001. (Wow, that just reminded me that my 10 year mark is coming up!) I did it with inner power, strength, and just overall will power. I found the reasons inside myself why I could no longer use. I became aware that if I continued, I would die.
But, to fill the addiction part of my personality, I turned to alcohol.
It started simply enough. One or two beers in the evenings to take the edge off. Then that went to a six pack each night, to a 12 pack, to a 12 pack and small bottle of Jager, to a 12 pack and as much Jager as it took to black out. Almost every night for the next two years. This is while I was living in the south of San Jose, so there isn't a lot to do except drink.
In 2004, I moved to Sacramento. Sacramento was just a blur. I don't remember a whole lot from my time there. It was pure chaos and I completely lost who I was.
In late 2004, I moved back to SF. The drinking continued to get worse. It elevated from just evenings to early afternoons to late mornings to mornings. I always said it was 5 o'clock somewhere in the world.
Several jobs, several relationships, several living situations and I reached my all time low in 2008. I checked into CDRP and went 30 days sober. But it didn't last. There were several reasons, but ultimately it was not my time yet. I hadn't accepted the problems I had and without that, there wasn't any way I was going to put down the bottle.
January 23, 2009, that evening starts as any other. Shando and I start with the excuse, just going out for a couple of drinks. After taking over 3 hours to walk Shando home from Castro/18th to Harrison/25th, we passed out. I wasn't even prepared for what came the next day. But Shando looked over and said, I have had enough, I need to stop.
It took me by surprise. I was so excited. I admit it, I walked away and didn't think twice about it. Just like that, I was done.
I don't remember the withdraw. I don't remember any cravings. I just knew I was rid of a part of my life that had controlled my actions for too many years.
Did I think about going to AA? Yes, of course. Did I? No. I found my 'higher' power on my own. I knew why I couldn't drink again. I was tired of being stuck in life. But mostly, I knew I was on the edge of crossing over and checking out of life all together....so that is how I have dealt with my sobriety the past two years.
So why am I thinking about AA now? Am I afraid of slipping? NO! I KNOW that if I relapse I will not come out alive. I know what my mind feels like when I am intoxicated. It hurts, it feels bloated, it like it is dying. (and in reality it is). So again, why AA now?
I have my spirituality, even though I keep refining it and defining what I think it means to me. I am not looking to AA for that. I think what I need is to surround myself with others who know what I have felt like. Who knows what I mean when I say, "I hate the way I felt stupid after drinking". But mostly, I have become this introvert and add to it by my excuse that I need that to focus on school/work/myself. But I realize after last night, I need AA to pull me out of that shell. It is OK that I am an introvert. It is good to hear the shares. It is good to see the faces of addiction. It is good to see those that are like me.
I am still extremely prideful that I was able to stop drinking with my own shear will and want. But now it is time to put down that pride and be humble.
Part of my spirituality and self improvement is working on my compassion towards others. "Generating compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them". This is what I am returning to AA for. I am releasing all my haughtiness, conceit, pride, and arrogant attitudes. This is the next step in my spiritual journey. I can do this by sharing my story and for being there if someone needs a helping hand. And finally, I return to protect my life. Surround myself with the strength that can come from belonging to a group who are all trying to achieve the same outcome.
Since I chose to become sober on January 24th, 2009 I have done it without any outside help. This was something I needed to do on my own, for myself. I understand the function of AA and it's amazing support for helping many individuals to remain sober. But for myself becoming sober was something that I needed to do my way. I became clean and walked away from my drug addiction in June of 2001. (Wow, that just reminded me that my 10 year mark is coming up!) I did it with inner power, strength, and just overall will power. I found the reasons inside myself why I could no longer use. I became aware that if I continued, I would die.
But, to fill the addiction part of my personality, I turned to alcohol.
It started simply enough. One or two beers in the evenings to take the edge off. Then that went to a six pack each night, to a 12 pack, to a 12 pack and small bottle of Jager, to a 12 pack and as much Jager as it took to black out. Almost every night for the next two years. This is while I was living in the south of San Jose, so there isn't a lot to do except drink.
In 2004, I moved to Sacramento. Sacramento was just a blur. I don't remember a whole lot from my time there. It was pure chaos and I completely lost who I was.
In late 2004, I moved back to SF. The drinking continued to get worse. It elevated from just evenings to early afternoons to late mornings to mornings. I always said it was 5 o'clock somewhere in the world.
Several jobs, several relationships, several living situations and I reached my all time low in 2008. I checked into CDRP and went 30 days sober. But it didn't last. There were several reasons, but ultimately it was not my time yet. I hadn't accepted the problems I had and without that, there wasn't any way I was going to put down the bottle.
January 23, 2009, that evening starts as any other. Shando and I start with the excuse, just going out for a couple of drinks. After taking over 3 hours to walk Shando home from Castro/18th to Harrison/25th, we passed out. I wasn't even prepared for what came the next day. But Shando looked over and said, I have had enough, I need to stop.
It took me by surprise. I was so excited. I admit it, I walked away and didn't think twice about it. Just like that, I was done.
I don't remember the withdraw. I don't remember any cravings. I just knew I was rid of a part of my life that had controlled my actions for too many years.
Did I think about going to AA? Yes, of course. Did I? No. I found my 'higher' power on my own. I knew why I couldn't drink again. I was tired of being stuck in life. But mostly, I knew I was on the edge of crossing over and checking out of life all together....so that is how I have dealt with my sobriety the past two years.
So why am I thinking about AA now? Am I afraid of slipping? NO! I KNOW that if I relapse I will not come out alive. I know what my mind feels like when I am intoxicated. It hurts, it feels bloated, it like it is dying. (and in reality it is). So again, why AA now?
I have my spirituality, even though I keep refining it and defining what I think it means to me. I am not looking to AA for that. I think what I need is to surround myself with others who know what I have felt like. Who knows what I mean when I say, "I hate the way I felt stupid after drinking". But mostly, I have become this introvert and add to it by my excuse that I need that to focus on school/work/myself. But I realize after last night, I need AA to pull me out of that shell. It is OK that I am an introvert. It is good to hear the shares. It is good to see the faces of addiction. It is good to see those that are like me.
I am still extremely prideful that I was able to stop drinking with my own shear will and want. But now it is time to put down that pride and be humble.
Part of my spirituality and self improvement is working on my compassion towards others. "Generating compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them". This is what I am returning to AA for. I am releasing all my haughtiness, conceit, pride, and arrogant attitudes. This is the next step in my spiritual journey. I can do this by sharing my story and for being there if someone needs a helping hand. And finally, I return to protect my life. Surround myself with the strength that can come from belonging to a group who are all trying to achieve the same outcome.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It has Been a Long Time!
I woke up this morning and took a look outside my window. It looked a little overcast, but there were rays of sunlight peaking through. I gathered my things, showered, drank my morning shake, and headed to the gym.
Lately on my walks to MUNI I have started to feel anxious and angry. I dreaded seeing people and having to deal with strangers on the trains. But today was different. I got to the station and jumped on the next train. I managed to actually get a seat. I started reading a new book and enjoyed the ride. As I got off at my station I noticed that I still wasn't feeling the anxiety that usually comes over me. What was happening? I haven't felt like this in a while. I was actually content with how the day was progressing.
I got to the gym, started to dress and realized "fuck! I forgot my workout t-shirt!". I was about to head home, but then I decided I would just workout in my tank top and deal with my normal self image issues. Well, during the workout, I got a lot of compliments and I actually took a moment to look in the mirror. Damn! Where the hell did those shoulders come from? And those arms? I have pretty much transformed my physical appearance to what I dreamed about a couple of years back. I was in a bit of shock...but it was a happy shock. That is enough vanity...but I wanted to write this to remind myself of this day.
I took my time getting home. I took the time to be in the moments and enjoy the sunshine. Admire the handsome young men and women that work in the Financial District. I used the time to get my thoughts together for the projects I had to do when I got home. And overall, I was appreciating the day and the new opportunity I had been given. I am excited to assist a friend with getting a project off the ground and doing tons of research about business startups.
I am looking forward to the remainder of the week. Things are just getting better. It seems like the worst of the storm has passed and I can see the clear skies on the other side. (knock on wood)
Today was a great day!
Lately on my walks to MUNI I have started to feel anxious and angry. I dreaded seeing people and having to deal with strangers on the trains. But today was different. I got to the station and jumped on the next train. I managed to actually get a seat. I started reading a new book and enjoyed the ride. As I got off at my station I noticed that I still wasn't feeling the anxiety that usually comes over me. What was happening? I haven't felt like this in a while. I was actually content with how the day was progressing.
I got to the gym, started to dress and realized "fuck! I forgot my workout t-shirt!". I was about to head home, but then I decided I would just workout in my tank top and deal with my normal self image issues. Well, during the workout, I got a lot of compliments and I actually took a moment to look in the mirror. Damn! Where the hell did those shoulders come from? And those arms? I have pretty much transformed my physical appearance to what I dreamed about a couple of years back. I was in a bit of shock...but it was a happy shock. That is enough vanity...but I wanted to write this to remind myself of this day.
I took my time getting home. I took the time to be in the moments and enjoy the sunshine. Admire the handsome young men and women that work in the Financial District. I used the time to get my thoughts together for the projects I had to do when I got home. And overall, I was appreciating the day and the new opportunity I had been given. I am excited to assist a friend with getting a project off the ground and doing tons of research about business startups.
I am looking forward to the remainder of the week. Things are just getting better. It seems like the worst of the storm has passed and I can see the clear skies on the other side. (knock on wood)
Today was a great day!
Monday, May 16, 2011
New Opportunities Equal New Challenges.
The past 2 1/2 years have been about growth and learning. The last three months have been about focus and evaluating the next part of this journey.
I was turned down from each of the University of California schools I applied to. I tried to blame it on the budget crisis and it somehow wasn't my fault. In all reasonable actuality I can just blame myself. I kept putting off certain required classes until it was too late to take them. Two classes I needed to complete this spring, summer sessions wouldn't count. I thought they would, according to a very confusing web site, but they don't. What does that mean. Well, my SFSU admission was conditional, and since I am not going to meet the conditions, they are going to retract the offer and I will not be admitted. Now in the past I would have beaten myself up for it, seen nothing but the negative parts of the situation. Now though, after I actually had to sit and meditate on it, I could see the positive outcome that can come from this.
I will be able to concentrate on finishing up the last two courses I need. And with a couple of other courses I can push my GPA closer to 4.0. Then I will be able to re-apply to UC Berkeley and UCLA. I found out the only reason I wasn't admitted was due to the one class I needed to take this summer. In the end, I'll get to go to the school I really wanted to.
I will have more time to devote to my new position and help this new company succeed. If the company does well, then I will do well.
I will have some time to take a couple of little trips. Maybe even that backpacking adventure I wanted to do last summer.
I am going to start training in the martial art of aikido.
I'll have more time to work on my meditation skills and enjoying life.
I believe this is what I need to re-focus myself and set myself on the path of happiness.
In the end, this news was actually a bit of a relief. It seems like a lot of the stresses that have weighed me down are lifted and are going to allow me to center myself. It is exactly what I needed.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Time to Follow my Heart...
I have spent a good deal of time recently reflecting on my life and remembering the times when I felt sincerely happy. I have thought about the times with my grandmother in her garden. There were the summers spent with grandpa in the backyard while he fiddled with projects in his shed. The cold winters at Blue River trout fishing with my best friend Bill. The yearly trips to South Padre Island to spend a week running freely in the beach and swimming in the ocean. But those are all memories from my childhood, things that I cannot retrieve and bring into my present day life.
Where are the times in my adult life, since moving from out of my parents house and to California, that I remember truly being happy? Then it comes to me...
About my third year out here I went over to Santa Cruz one day determined to learn how to surf. I rented a long board, drove down to 41st Ave and pulled on my Goodwill purchased wet suit and dove in. After some instruction from a man that would later become one of my best surfing buddies, I managed to stand up and catch my first ride...completely exhilarated, I paddled out again and again and again. I spent a total of six hours that day catching waves. I was hooked. But where does this come in as to finding my current happiness? It is because at the time, I had nothing. All I had was my 1972 VW Bus, my newly custom made long board, and myself. I had a small apartment with little to no furniture and a part time job doing customer service. But I was happy. All I had to worry about was being to work on time, paying what few bills I had (rent and phone), making sure there was gas in the bus, and if there was going to be surf that day. Life was simple. Surfing was my spirituality. The man who became my best friend out in the surf was an older Cherokee Indian that had moved to Capitola from Oklahoma ~40 years earlier. He was about 6'2", slender, white hair down to his waist, and the kindest, gentlest person to talk with.
So again, how do I apply this to the present?
Simplify! My heart keeps telling me what I already know. Stop chasing after the material things that everyone struggles to attain! My mind and my spirituality are things that NO ONE can take from me. Everything else, my things, my family, my friends...these can all be gone by tonight. But my mind, my spirit, that is mine.
I believe true friends and a close companion are important in a persons life. Recently I have evaluated who I called friend and came to see that I am lacking of friends with real substance. I almost list my best friend and my companion to a terrible disease. Thankfully he was able to see the need to get help and fight this battle and is doing very well. But for us both, it is still a long road ahead.
As for friends. I am terribly guarded with who I let in. It takes time and patience for me to feel the trust and chemistry that I need to open up and let someone close. The worst part about it all is that I live in a city where everyone feels the same way. A city full of facades and shallow acquaintances.
So again, where does this leave me with my initial questions? This is where...
1. I stop chasing after the "wants" in life. I have a wonderful cozy apartment that is filled with things that make it comfortable and welcoming to come home to.
2. I simplify my daily life. Things happen for a reason, I need to be flexible with how a day unfolds and presents itself. Most importantly, live in the present! The right here and right now!
3. True friends and companions will make themselves known, I need to be patient with this. I also know that I have some "issues" that I need to correct for this to happen.
4. Find a spirituality that works for me. It might be a little bit from several and I may not be able to tie myself to just one...but I believe this will make me whole.
Where are the times in my adult life, since moving from out of my parents house and to California, that I remember truly being happy? Then it comes to me...
About my third year out here I went over to Santa Cruz one day determined to learn how to surf. I rented a long board, drove down to 41st Ave and pulled on my Goodwill purchased wet suit and dove in. After some instruction from a man that would later become one of my best surfing buddies, I managed to stand up and catch my first ride...completely exhilarated, I paddled out again and again and again. I spent a total of six hours that day catching waves. I was hooked. But where does this come in as to finding my current happiness? It is because at the time, I had nothing. All I had was my 1972 VW Bus, my newly custom made long board, and myself. I had a small apartment with little to no furniture and a part time job doing customer service. But I was happy. All I had to worry about was being to work on time, paying what few bills I had (rent and phone), making sure there was gas in the bus, and if there was going to be surf that day. Life was simple. Surfing was my spirituality. The man who became my best friend out in the surf was an older Cherokee Indian that had moved to Capitola from Oklahoma ~40 years earlier. He was about 6'2", slender, white hair down to his waist, and the kindest, gentlest person to talk with.
So again, how do I apply this to the present?
Simplify! My heart keeps telling me what I already know. Stop chasing after the material things that everyone struggles to attain! My mind and my spirituality are things that NO ONE can take from me. Everything else, my things, my family, my friends...these can all be gone by tonight. But my mind, my spirit, that is mine.
I believe true friends and a close companion are important in a persons life. Recently I have evaluated who I called friend and came to see that I am lacking of friends with real substance. I almost list my best friend and my companion to a terrible disease. Thankfully he was able to see the need to get help and fight this battle and is doing very well. But for us both, it is still a long road ahead.
As for friends. I am terribly guarded with who I let in. It takes time and patience for me to feel the trust and chemistry that I need to open up and let someone close. The worst part about it all is that I live in a city where everyone feels the same way. A city full of facades and shallow acquaintances.
So again, where does this leave me with my initial questions? This is where...
1. I stop chasing after the "wants" in life. I have a wonderful cozy apartment that is filled with things that make it comfortable and welcoming to come home to.
2. I simplify my daily life. Things happen for a reason, I need to be flexible with how a day unfolds and presents itself. Most importantly, live in the present! The right here and right now!
3. True friends and companions will make themselves known, I need to be patient with this. I also know that I have some "issues" that I need to correct for this to happen.
4. Find a spirituality that works for me. It might be a little bit from several and I may not be able to tie myself to just one...but I believe this will make me whole.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
the Universe brings souls together for a reason....
as much of a humanist as I am, I still believe in fate and things happening for a reason. People come in and out of our lives with purpose. It may seem like a random incident. But if and when you step back you see that there is a reason for it. There is always a lesson in it.
Last summer I met an amazing young man. He was from the East Coast visiting family out here. We instantly bonded over lunch one day. It was easy conversation. But at the time, I wasn't sure why I was connecting with this guy. I mean, hell, he is one of the most adorable and attractive men I have met in a long time. He is smart. He is intelligent. And he is deep, emotionally. Unfortunately, this one time was the only time we spent in person hanging out. I pulled back. It is something I do when I am unsure about my feelings. It was not only unfair to this person, but it was unfair to myself.
Over the last few months I have been following him through his blog. Learning more about him and his trials and tribulations that happen at his age. And the more I read, the more I find a feeling of a deeper connection. It is as if the nurturing part within me wants to be the big brother. I find myself connecting, even though it is only virtually, on a deeper level with him.
The Universe brings people into our lives....and it brought this individual into my life to give me the motivation to continue my quest for inner happiness. I can't wait to see him again, and this time I will not pull back and let my fears control the situation. We are on this journey of life for such a short amount of time. So when those connections are made, we need to take every opportunity to seize the moment. To make it a part of our soul. To make a memory that we can look back on and smile, knowing that we are emotionally richer for it.
Last summer I met an amazing young man. He was from the East Coast visiting family out here. We instantly bonded over lunch one day. It was easy conversation. But at the time, I wasn't sure why I was connecting with this guy. I mean, hell, he is one of the most adorable and attractive men I have met in a long time. He is smart. He is intelligent. And he is deep, emotionally. Unfortunately, this one time was the only time we spent in person hanging out. I pulled back. It is something I do when I am unsure about my feelings. It was not only unfair to this person, but it was unfair to myself.
Over the last few months I have been following him through his blog. Learning more about him and his trials and tribulations that happen at his age. And the more I read, the more I find a feeling of a deeper connection. It is as if the nurturing part within me wants to be the big brother. I find myself connecting, even though it is only virtually, on a deeper level with him.
The Universe brings people into our lives....and it brought this individual into my life to give me the motivation to continue my quest for inner happiness. I can't wait to see him again, and this time I will not pull back and let my fears control the situation. We are on this journey of life for such a short amount of time. So when those connections are made, we need to take every opportunity to seize the moment. To make it a part of our soul. To make a memory that we can look back on and smile, knowing that we are emotionally richer for it.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Trying to Awaken and Find My Happiness...
It has been weeks since I have felt true happiness. I have forgot what it is like to walk down the street and be in the moment. I hate using old sayings, but I don't have the motivation to stop and smell the roses.
I know what it is that I need to do in order to find my happiness. But just because I know what to do doesn't mean that I have the motivation to follow up.
Lately all I want to do is sleep. I crawl into bed at least two or three times a day and take naps. I find myself wanting to escape reality by losing myself in my unconsciousness. I need to find a hobby that gets me out of the house. I still get to the gym regularly, but that isn't having the same effect it once did. I won't stop going, I have made some real progress on my physical appearance and it adds to my increased self esteem.
I just need to find an outdoor activity that makes me happy. I am going to start exploring some possibilities that are around the area...and motivate myself to get there.
I know what it is that I need to do in order to find my happiness. But just because I know what to do doesn't mean that I have the motivation to follow up.
Lately all I want to do is sleep. I crawl into bed at least two or three times a day and take naps. I find myself wanting to escape reality by losing myself in my unconsciousness. I need to find a hobby that gets me out of the house. I still get to the gym regularly, but that isn't having the same effect it once did. I won't stop going, I have made some real progress on my physical appearance and it adds to my increased self esteem.
I just need to find an outdoor activity that makes me happy. I am going to start exploring some possibilities that are around the area...and motivate myself to get there.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Will Not Sleepwalk...
when it comes to finding my happiness. I keep thinking that these the material possessions bring me happiness. I do enjoy my comforts that I have surrounded myself with. But when it comes to it, if I was to lose all things tomorrow, would I be any less happy? I would have to say no. In all actuality I would probably be happier. The Seventh Dalai Lama said:
"One may cherish property and wealth
Gained by cunning means,
But one day, all one's possessions
Will fall to other's hands.
Now, while you have them,
Use them to benefit the world."
I believe what he is was teaching was for one to use their wealth and possessions to the benefit of society. We all know the teachings that tell us that whatever we collected in this world, we can't take it with us once we die.
We came into this world without anything and we leave this world without anything....with one exception. Those memories and the knowledge that we have collected over our life.
So this is my lesson that I am trying to remind myself each day. At any time, all this can be gone...but the one things that cannot be taken away, is my knowledge and mind. I need to remember to focus on increasing my knowledge and learning as much as I can. I think my true happiness is going to come from simplifying my life and the way I live. As long as I have a roof over my head, and meal to give me the nutrition I need for that day, and my health, what more do I need?
I wonder if entering the teaching of Buddhism is what I should pursue? I want to learn how to be truly compassionate, unselfish, and peaceful. These are questions that I need to answer over the next few days, weeks, and months.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Inner Happiness?
Happiness with one's self is a topic I hear my friends talking about a lot lately. There are lots of questions about what it means to be happy. Each individual has their own answer to what they believe will bring them happiness. Happiness comes in the form for some as a career they find enjoyment within. Happiness for another comes from bringing happiness to someone else. And for another, happiness comes from just living in the moment. This leads me to the question I have been asking myself a lot lately. What will bring me happiness?
I believed I had come close to finding it. But then I realized I wasn't even close. The events that I have experienced over the past couple of years have only been the first couple of steps towards my happiness. They were only a couple of steps, but they were the biggest and hardest to do. The first step was my sobriety. Once I cleared my mind of the things that clouded my vision I was able to start focusing on the second step. My education has made me a better individual. I think more critically about things in the world. I question the motives of those who "lead" our society. And I think of ways that I can better myself so that ultimately I may better humanity.
This leads me closer to finding my happiness...but I am still unclear what that is. Will I know what to look for or will it just appear? Do we know actually ever know what will bring us happiness or do we search for it by trial and error?
I hear my inner self telling me what to do. I listen. But to actually follow it will take a lot of effort. It will take unlearning my upbringing. To find a way to quiet the society I live in. Is that even possible in this country? Is that possible in what I believe is the evolution of mankind? I just need to learn the balance between consumerism and necessity. Want and need.
I am on the journey of finding what is most important with my true self. I believe that as I find my values that my true self will make itself known.
I believed I had come close to finding it. But then I realized I wasn't even close. The events that I have experienced over the past couple of years have only been the first couple of steps towards my happiness. They were only a couple of steps, but they were the biggest and hardest to do. The first step was my sobriety. Once I cleared my mind of the things that clouded my vision I was able to start focusing on the second step. My education has made me a better individual. I think more critically about things in the world. I question the motives of those who "lead" our society. And I think of ways that I can better myself so that ultimately I may better humanity.
This leads me closer to finding my happiness...but I am still unclear what that is. Will I know what to look for or will it just appear? Do we know actually ever know what will bring us happiness or do we search for it by trial and error?
I hear my inner self telling me what to do. I listen. But to actually follow it will take a lot of effort. It will take unlearning my upbringing. To find a way to quiet the society I live in. Is that even possible in this country? Is that possible in what I believe is the evolution of mankind? I just need to learn the balance between consumerism and necessity. Want and need.
I am on the journey of finding what is most important with my true self. I believe that as I find my values that my true self will make itself known.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
We Should Think About Our Death Daily...
The Seventh Dalai Lama once said in a poem:
"Human life is rare and precious,
Yet if not inspired by thought of death,
One wastes it on materialism:
Be ready to die at any moment."
This is a way of thinking that is absent from Western society. Here in the United States individuals spend their entire life trying to not think about death. We are in a society that is consumed in commercialism. This leads to obscene amounts of consumption of "needs" that give a false sense of happiness. This false sense of happiness imparts a pseudo immortality. Individuals in this country are far removed from anything that reminds them that all living creatures have the same destiny. The flesh that they buy to consume in great amounts are presented in a way that sterilizes the experience. Nicely wrapped in plastic where it can be easily handled without any trace of resemblance to the living creature it was just days before.
They present the death of loved ones in a way where they resemble someone just sleeping. Even the final memorial doesn't directly deal with the subject. The death of a loved one in many countries is a hands on experience for the family. As it should be. What better way to show respect and love for that person? To be a part of the preparation of the body, the ultimate homage to the life of that person.
We need to think about death on a daily basis. We shouldn't try an avoid it, but embrace it. It is an experience we are all going to go through at some time. If we are ready for death at any moment, we learn to live in the moment. We learn to take in the little things that make up our daily lives. We don't waste our time chasing after those things that we cannot take with us. But the experiences, the memories, the knowledge...these chemical, electrical, and even spiritual events...these are things that continue on after we die. If not within us, within those that we came into contact and continue on after we pass. That is how I plan on spending the remaining days of my life...using my time to better myself and in turn passing this on to those generations that come after me.
Death is not something I fear. It is something I embrace. After all, it is and will be the final exciting unknown voyage I will take...as far as I know.
"Human life is rare and precious,
Yet if not inspired by thought of death,
One wastes it on materialism:
Be ready to die at any moment."
This is a way of thinking that is absent from Western society. Here in the United States individuals spend their entire life trying to not think about death. We are in a society that is consumed in commercialism. This leads to obscene amounts of consumption of "needs" that give a false sense of happiness. This false sense of happiness imparts a pseudo immortality. Individuals in this country are far removed from anything that reminds them that all living creatures have the same destiny. The flesh that they buy to consume in great amounts are presented in a way that sterilizes the experience. Nicely wrapped in plastic where it can be easily handled without any trace of resemblance to the living creature it was just days before.
They present the death of loved ones in a way where they resemble someone just sleeping. Even the final memorial doesn't directly deal with the subject. The death of a loved one in many countries is a hands on experience for the family. As it should be. What better way to show respect and love for that person? To be a part of the preparation of the body, the ultimate homage to the life of that person.
We need to think about death on a daily basis. We shouldn't try an avoid it, but embrace it. It is an experience we are all going to go through at some time. If we are ready for death at any moment, we learn to live in the moment. We learn to take in the little things that make up our daily lives. We don't waste our time chasing after those things that we cannot take with us. But the experiences, the memories, the knowledge...these chemical, electrical, and even spiritual events...these are things that continue on after we die. If not within us, within those that we came into contact and continue on after we pass. That is how I plan on spending the remaining days of my life...using my time to better myself and in turn passing this on to those generations that come after me.
Death is not something I fear. It is something I embrace. After all, it is and will be the final exciting unknown voyage I will take...as far as I know.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sharing Points from The Ethical Slut...
1. We are respectful of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask.
2. Friendship is an excellent reason to have sex and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship. (48)
3. Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial.(66)
4. Remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, the share vulnerable feelings. (66)
5. Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.(66)
6. Once you have made a commitment to spend time together for and reason, keep it...(68)
7. By treating lovers as people, and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form friendships that last as sex waxes and wanes. (81)
8. The real test of love is when someone sees our weaknesses, our stupidities, and our smallnesses and still love us. (119)
9. Avoid treating your partner as a resource for getting your rocks off.(176)
10. You must value and welcome all of your lovers as the wonderful, brilliant, unique human beings that they surely are. (211)
I have listed ten points that I have taken and applied in my life. By reminding myself of these I have already seen an increase in my inner happiness and peace with myself.
2. Friendship is an excellent reason to have sex and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship. (48)
3. Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial.(66)
4. Remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, the share vulnerable feelings. (66)
5. Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.(66)
6. Once you have made a commitment to spend time together for and reason, keep it...(68)
7. By treating lovers as people, and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form friendships that last as sex waxes and wanes. (81)
8. The real test of love is when someone sees our weaknesses, our stupidities, and our smallnesses and still love us. (119)
9. Avoid treating your partner as a resource for getting your rocks off.(176)
10. You must value and welcome all of your lovers as the wonderful, brilliant, unique human beings that they surely are. (211)
I have listed ten points that I have taken and applied in my life. By reminding myself of these I have already seen an increase in my inner happiness and peace with myself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thoughts and Words...
"Even one's thoughts one cannot reproduce entirely in words." - Nietzsche
Every individual has had complex ideas that don't get fully realized. Why? It is usually due to a lack of words to describe the thought. Our minds are able to produce ideas that extend beyond human vocabulary. Individuals will try to use other means of communication to share ideas. Some individuals will use visual projections/images to share thoughts. And other individuals will use sounds/music to convey an idea. But when an individual uses each of these three senses at the same time they can usually get the thought across.
Every individual has had complex ideas that don't get fully realized. Why? It is usually due to a lack of words to describe the thought. Our minds are able to produce ideas that extend beyond human vocabulary. Individuals will try to use other means of communication to share ideas. Some individuals will use visual projections/images to share thoughts. And other individuals will use sounds/music to convey an idea. But when an individual uses each of these three senses at the same time they can usually get the thought across.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
...from The Te of Piglet...
"Let's find a way
Today
That can take us to tomorrow-
Follow that Way,
A Way like flowing water.
Let's leave
Behind
The things that do not matter.
And turn
Our lives
To a more important chapter.
Let's take the time,
Let's try to find
What real life has to offer.
And maybe then
We'll find again
What we had long forgotten.
Like a friend,
True 'til the end,
It will help us onward.
The sun is high,
The road is wide,
And it starts where we are standing.
No one knows
How far it goes,
For the road is never-ending.
It goes
Away,
Beyond what we have thought of;
It flows
Away,
Away like flowing water.
Today
That can take us to tomorrow-
Follow that Way,
A Way like flowing water.
Let's leave
Behind
The things that do not matter.
And turn
Our lives
To a more important chapter.
Let's take the time,
Let's try to find
What real life has to offer.
And maybe then
We'll find again
What we had long forgotten.
Like a friend,
True 'til the end,
It will help us onward.
The sun is high,
The road is wide,
And it starts where we are standing.
No one knows
How far it goes,
For the road is never-ending.
It goes
Away,
Beyond what we have thought of;
It flows
Away,
Away like flowing water.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Accepted Offer to Attend SFSU.
Tonight I decided to accept my offer to SFSU for Fall 2011. It is exciting and a relief at the same time. Now all I need to do is concentrate on the remaining semester at CCSF and look forward to a relaxing summer?
The past two years of work is now paying off..only two more years and I will finally have a degree.
The past two years of work is now paying off..only two more years and I will finally have a degree.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Creative or Eccentric? Or Maybe a Creative Eccentric?
I have often had ideas that I have no idea where they come from. Such as the time while in that in-between stage of being asleep and awake where I have done mathematical problems involving advanced physics that I have not even been introduced to. And when I am able to remember to write down what I can remember, I am not that far off. There is the theory that we all hold stored memories in our unconsciousness, but most are suppressed because our consciousness wouldn't be able to handle all that information.
Cognitive disinhibition is likely at the base of reasoning for these abilities. When the filters are relaxed, such as that moment between sleep and wakefulness, ideas have the freedom to flow back and forth. Many refer to these as the aha! moments. Is there a way to harness this ability and consciously control this barrier? Is there a way for a person to be creative without losing their social function? Many highly creative people sacrifice this in order to focus on their inner world and allow this creatively to flow freely. But there must be a way to balance it?
Can one focus on their inner world and still be present in the outer world around them?
I believe so. I believe that I am a highly creative person. I do admit that I have some social skills that are lacking. I get highly anxious and nervous in large crowds. But this is something I can learn to adjust with mindfulness exercises. I do have odd thoughts, but nothing that interferes with my day to day activities. (or if they do, I don't recognize them and they have not been pointed out to me.) I will research this more and post my findings. I hope to find exercises that allow me to relax those filters and all free thoughts and ideas to flow from my unconscious to conscious and vice versa.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Joyless Persons...
"A single joyless person is enough to create constant discouragement and cloudy skies for a whole household, and it is a miracle if there is not one person like that. Happiness is not nearly so contagious a disease. Why?" -Nietzche
How Many Chances Does One Person Get?
How much can someone care for another person and keep getting dumped on. I understand that it is all attributed to a substance abuse problem this person has. But how long can the care stay valid and when does it just not matter anymore?
I think that the care is pretty much gone from my soul. When someone can't care enough for themselves they can't allow someone else to care for them. I am using care in place of the word love. What I am feeling now is not love for this person. But I do care for them. I know the love is there, it just needs to be nurtured and reignited. But that will not happen until this person starts to care and love themselves again.
Self destructive behavior is such a terrible thing to watch happen to a person. They fail to see it in themselves and the further down the hole they go. I can look around the house and I can see and feel that love is absent.
I now see that it is gone...and it is not coming back. It is time to move on. I cannot let the disease that is spreading through this house to effect me any longer. Life to too short to continue living in a negative space.
It has been one of the greatest learning experiences. I learned how to not resort to my previous self destructive ways that lead to actions that I would regret. What a wonderful learning experience....
I think that the care is pretty much gone from my soul. When someone can't care enough for themselves they can't allow someone else to care for them. I am using care in place of the word love. What I am feeling now is not love for this person. But I do care for them. I know the love is there, it just needs to be nurtured and reignited. But that will not happen until this person starts to care and love themselves again.
Self destructive behavior is such a terrible thing to watch happen to a person. They fail to see it in themselves and the further down the hole they go. I can look around the house and I can see and feel that love is absent.
I now see that it is gone...and it is not coming back. It is time to move on. I cannot let the disease that is spreading through this house to effect me any longer. Life to too short to continue living in a negative space.
It has been one of the greatest learning experiences. I learned how to not resort to my previous self destructive ways that lead to actions that I would regret. What a wonderful learning experience....
Letter of Admissions to SFSU Received Today...
It really helped to bring me back to reality on why I was on this journey and re-ignite my motivation. The past few weeks have been really tough on my emotionally. This letter though helped to raise my spirits and realize why I am doing all this. To better myself so that I can contribute positively to humanity.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My Way is Not Always the Right Way...
When I started working on my list of agreements on our relationship I really had to think about what I was writing and why. I need to remind myself to look at both sides of an agreement. I need to make sure that I am using it to practice not-blaming, not-judging, and not-manipulating. I need to be careful that I am not trying to control the relationship. I need to understand my partners feelings and emotions. This will lead to new and better agreements/resolutions (1).
I need to realize that resolutions will not always be immediate. If we come to an agreement that we do no agree on, we both will step away and take time to think about the disagreement and revisit it at a set time. This will take a lot of flexibility on my part. I will need to acknowledge my feelings and not let my emotions take control of a situation.
1. Easton, Dossie; Hardy, Janet. The Ethical Slut. Berkeley. Print. 2011. pp157.
I need to realize that resolutions will not always be immediate. If we come to an agreement that we do no agree on, we both will step away and take time to think about the disagreement and revisit it at a set time. This will take a lot of flexibility on my part. I will need to acknowledge my feelings and not let my emotions take control of a situation.
1. Easton, Dossie; Hardy, Janet. The Ethical Slut. Berkeley. Print. 2011. pp157.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Slut that I AM!
I grew up in home that taught strict religious beliefs. I was threatened time and again that if I was to "stray" from the rules I would be cast out and bring shame and disgrace to the family. Many religions instill fear in it's followers. But the religion I grew up in didn't believe in any flexibility. So when I discovered that I was attracted to boys, I was only 12 at the time, I was mortified. Not only was I mentally breaking one rule with wanting to have sex. I was breaking another, wanting to have sex with other guys.
I spent the better part of the next 26 years toiling with these feelings of guilt. At the age of 25, I admitted to myself and to the world, I was gay. Even though it brought me freedom, it also brought a number of other issues. I still clung to the thinking of monogamy. Of having one partner and only one for life. I didn't know there were other ways of thinking about relationships. And least of all, I didn't know how to define my sexuality. I went through many relationships. Now that I look back, I understand why they failed and what I did incorrect.
At the urging of my current partner and a friend I picked up the book The Ethical Slut. I read the book cover to cover in about six hours. Then continued on for the next three hours reviewing and making notes. I was instantly within nine hours a new person. I now understood my frustrations in regards to sex. I understood why I felt jealousy. I understood that I really need to explore my sexuality and how to do this in a safe way. (Mentally safe). How to do this and understand my feelings. Sex is one of the things that we as humans have that brings us great pleasure and is easy to share with consenting partners.
**to be continued**
I spent the better part of the next 26 years toiling with these feelings of guilt. At the age of 25, I admitted to myself and to the world, I was gay. Even though it brought me freedom, it also brought a number of other issues. I still clung to the thinking of monogamy. Of having one partner and only one for life. I didn't know there were other ways of thinking about relationships. And least of all, I didn't know how to define my sexuality. I went through many relationships. Now that I look back, I understand why they failed and what I did incorrect.
At the urging of my current partner and a friend I picked up the book The Ethical Slut. I read the book cover to cover in about six hours. Then continued on for the next three hours reviewing and making notes. I was instantly within nine hours a new person. I now understood my frustrations in regards to sex. I understood why I felt jealousy. I understood that I really need to explore my sexuality and how to do this in a safe way. (Mentally safe). How to do this and understand my feelings. Sex is one of the things that we as humans have that brings us great pleasure and is easy to share with consenting partners.
**to be continued**
Friday, April 8, 2011
True Understanding..
Worldly Wisdom
Do not stay in the field!
Nor climb out of sight.
The best view of the world
Is from a medium height.
What is the field that is mentioned here? The field can be morals. The field can be a cultural beliefs. The field is any idea or belief that an individual or group identifies with. When it is said "Do not stay in the field", the writer is advising us to not forget that there are other views of these fields. That we should step out of the field and attempt to gain an understanding of how other see the same field.
But the writer also warns about completely ignoring the field. The field is easy to ignore when we remove ourself far away from it. The saying, "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind when this phrase is read. Do not become ignorant of the field, but become aware that there is a field and attempt to understand it. But if we are not in the field and not completely out of sight of the field, then where should we be?
We should attempt to be in the center. We should attempt to understand the field from all sides. When we take the time and actually understand the field we get a better understanding of why the field is important. We understand that having a balanced take on the field (issue) we can make better decisions about ourselves and how we affect society. And in the end, we understand how to positively promote humanity and further the welfare of everyone that shares this wonderful world.
Do not stay in the field!
Nor climb out of sight.
The best view of the world
Is from a medium height.
What is the field that is mentioned here? The field can be morals. The field can be a cultural beliefs. The field is any idea or belief that an individual or group identifies with. When it is said "Do not stay in the field", the writer is advising us to not forget that there are other views of these fields. That we should step out of the field and attempt to gain an understanding of how other see the same field.
But the writer also warns about completely ignoring the field. The field is easy to ignore when we remove ourself far away from it. The saying, "ignorance is bliss" comes to mind when this phrase is read. Do not become ignorant of the field, but become aware that there is a field and attempt to understand it. But if we are not in the field and not completely out of sight of the field, then where should we be?
We should attempt to be in the center. We should attempt to understand the field from all sides. When we take the time and actually understand the field we get a better understanding of why the field is important. We understand that having a balanced take on the field (issue) we can make better decisions about ourselves and how we affect society. And in the end, we understand how to positively promote humanity and further the welfare of everyone that shares this wonderful world.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Modifying My Understanding of Human Sexuality and Relationships.
Mankind evolved to think that monogamy is how relationships succeed. The percentage of relationships that fail due to infidelity is high. Among gay men, these statistics are much higher. Why is this? Does society need to adopt and evolve a new way we understand human nature? We no longer need the primitive feelings such as jealousy to protect our successful passing of our genetic material. But how do we modify our minds so that those primitive feelings don't cause a relationship to fail?
These are some of the questions I hope to answer over the next few days. I will post my findings within this post. I will write my conclusion in a separate blog and look forward to the feedback.
These are some of the questions I hope to answer over the next few days. I will post my findings within this post. I will write my conclusion in a separate blog and look forward to the feedback.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
God is Nature
"There is nothing "god" can do that we can't do!" Once we understand that we created god to answer our questions about nature and that nature is something we can control, we have truly started the next step on humanities evolution.
Listening to My Inner Child...
One of my fondest memories is the summers I spent as a little boy helping my grandmother Bernice tend her garden. We would pick lots of carrots, beets, parsnips, and potatoes. My job was always to wash off all the dirt and make them nice and clean. She would show me how to pick the ripe tomatoes and leave the ones that needed a day or two longer on the vine. We picked baskets and baskets of peaches which she would can and store in the storm shelter. She always had the best garden in the neighborhood. I miss those days.
I wonder what she would say to me these days. What words of wisdom would she impart on how to mend my broken heart? Would she have me tenderly wash the dirt away? Would she tell me to leave it on the vine a couple of more days, it isn't quite ripe yet? Whatever she would say, it would be just the right thing.
She left this world all too soon. I know her spirit is with me and always has been. That is why I write this today. I wish everyone could have met my grandma Bernice. She was the strongest person I have ever known. And I know that is why I have turned out to be the person I am today.
It took 38 years to start discovering the true me. But I wouldn't have it any other way. The lessons I have learned through my life experiences have shaped my soul. The pain and sense of loss that I am going through will eventually pass. And again, it will add to my life and make me that much stronger of a person.
Wherever you are mamaw, I will make you proud.
I miss you EVERY day...there is not one day that has gone by since August 22, 1985 that I haven't thought about you. I love you. Travis
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Beginning a New Blog
This is the beginning of a new blog that I will use to chronicle my attempt to become more self aware. I will share my experiences and lessons that I acquire along the way.
Humanity is evolving at an ever increasing rate. We are reaching a point in history where we will define what and when the evolution occurs. This will require an all new ability of self awareness in order to stay on the fore front of this evolution.
I will also use this blog to write about the current innovations and discoveries into the evolution/enhancing of our minds and our bodies and what it means to be human.
"The future is already here; it's just not evenly distributed." -William Gibson
Humanity is evolving at an ever increasing rate. We are reaching a point in history where we will define what and when the evolution occurs. This will require an all new ability of self awareness in order to stay on the fore front of this evolution.
I will also use this blog to write about the current innovations and discoveries into the evolution/enhancing of our minds and our bodies and what it means to be human.
"The future is already here; it's just not evenly distributed." -William Gibson
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